Never knew my father

I have never known my father and when I try to find him on things such as Ancestory.com or facebook, I really feel like he's making sure I don't find him. All I know is his first and last name and his birthday. That gets me nowhere, but seeing a bunch of people that may or may not be him. Arg...so aggrivating. Obviously I'm not wanting anything from him. Just to see a pic of him, any children he has, which would be my half sibilings, have a couple questions answers, and maybe know his sister's and parent's name, then I'll be gone. I'm not looking for a father/daughter like relationship. I'm well into my 20's now, I'm too old to back track and have a DADDY. Sure that's hard to grasp. But it's the truth. I no longer cry myself asleep at night because I too wanted to have a Daddy. I don't want his time, attention, money, or gifts, or even apologies. Just a couple answers, a few pictures, and I'll be on my way. That's it. Why does finding a person have to be so damn hard. I want to scream sometimes. Then I find somebody that COULD be him, just to be disappointed most of the time. Well not so much disappointed, well ok, maybe that is the right word. Imagine you are on an Easter Egg hunt. You are the only one on this hunt. There are hundreds of plastic eggs, most empty. Some have a fake, but real looking $100 bill in it, and only 1 has a real $100 bill in it. You open many to find them empty, some to find it really could be, but at a closer to look it's not, but you never seem to find the lucky one. Either you never find it, or because there are so many eggs you skip over a lot too, without much of a glance. That's how it is for me. It's so frustrating!!

I'm alive...a couple pics.

We're, as in Simon, Ellie, and myself are doing great. We are very busy. Simon just recently started a job that he is able to do with a broke leg. He has one more month of no weight bearing with his leg. Ellie is doing a great job at keeping me awake. Nah, she sleeps as good as any baby 2-3months.


More pics to come later.

101th post

OMG, my 100th post caught me off guard, and now here I am at my 101th post. No surprise how boring my 100th post was.

I have an update to my 100th post.

I went to the podiatrist to find out what was up with my foot, and well feet. I decided while I was there, I would tell of my feet problems since childhood. X-ray showed I had plantar facitisis which was no surprise since I've been given that diagnosis before. He gave me a shot, but half of what he would normally give since I'm breastfeeding, but he's sure it wont cause any problems. Since I'm supplementing w/ formula I'm still going to dump and pump. He just did one foot this time. Also the little ball under your big toe has always given me problems. He checked both and both have fluid in that area. He said it's not a good thing, and he will in the future do injections, but since I'm breastfeeding he didn't want to do the injections in all the places. He was sure the injection would help my heal. Let's hope it does. But this evening, I think I'll stay off it as much as possible. Simon is out of the house for now, and my mom and grandma have Ellie for a few more hours. So I can at least rest my feet for a little while. Oh, and I have some kind of tape wrapped around both feet to push my tendon up. So, it's wierd walking anyway. I have a follow up next Tuesday. Hopefully this is a good doctor that will be able to help.

Nearly unbarable pain

I am 98% sure I have heel spurs on one of my feet. I had this kind of pain in middle school, I couldn't walk on either heel when I woke up in the mornings. Fortunately I had a couple in the household that required a shower chair, so I could get my morning shower in without having to stand. Eventually it went away on it's on.

But now, I have the pain but it's magnified by a lot. It hurts not only in the morning, but anytime I stand up from sitting. It hurts when I walk or when I stand. Why it's even starting to hurt while I just sit. It hurts like crazy. I couldn't tell if it was swollen, I honestly didn't think it was, but Simon's Nana said it was before I even inquired about it. I did a little research about it today and every single symptom I have. So, tomorrow I'm calling the podiatrist to try and get in.

For treatment, I read pain meds (breastfeeding, I can't and wont take much), cortisone injections (if it doesn't interfere w/ breastfeeding, I guess I'll hesitantly accept), Physical therapy primarily for ultra sound on the location (love the thought), and surgery. My grandma needs to have surgery on hers soon, but it's absolutely last resort and there is a period (not sure how long) of no weight barring. So, surgery will be definate last resort me. I will try everything else before having surgery, especially since Simon is still no weight baring, that would be absolutely terrible if we were both like that. But the pain is getting bad enough that I have to go to the doctor, soon. I can only tolerate this for so long, I need to go ahead and get started with some kind of treatment.

Ellie's appointment update

Her appointment was pretty good, for being the first. I have to get a stool sample and take it to the children's hospital. It's about 45min-1hr away so, yes she's pooped. I have yet to get a sample to them because it's been raining, storming, or I haven't been showered and dressed when the poops come. Soon though, we'll be getting it to them. Her next appointment is right after the sweat test on July 14th.

The doctor said any gassy issues and pain she has while she eats is most likely the CF. Since we don't have the test results from the stool sample and the sweat test yet, it was really hard for him to say much. They did say I need to increase the breastfeeding and decrease the formula. She is gaining weight and growing great. She is almost 10lbs and on the chart, so that was awesome. We are having to switch her formula, which I was hoping he would want done.

So far the more breastfeeding and less formula thing is going ok, just ok. Yesterday I EBF in the morning and in the afternoon. By about 1 or 2pm, she was overly fussy. I continued to put her up to the breast, but she was so fussy and crying hysterical. I finally gave her a few oz's of breastmilk I had in the fridge. Once again she was happy and content. I decided that when she bottle feeds I'll make sure I pump to help increase the supply. I have you know I pumped both sides for a while and didn't even fill the little bottle up to a cm. It was ridiculous. I think she litterally sucked me dry. I pumped about 2 more times since, and all together I have just over an oz. I guess she litterally sucked me dry. But, I've got to either offer her the breast or pump at every feeding so my breast know to produce more milk.

The problem with all this, is when I baby is born, the first few weeks is generally for mother to heal/recover, to get a routine going, and for mother to nurse (if she's going that route). The first few weeks of Ellie's life were for none of that. It was taking care of daddy, stressing about daddy, and all the hell he putting us threw. I would stay up late with her, to have his nana come in around 8am, to lift all blinds and stressing that we needed to get our nights and days straight. I had people going through my house putting stuff in the STRANGEST places. I'm still finding stuff in weird places. All so aggravating. Having a mother in law and simon's nana taking my husband to the bathroom, and NEVER getting even 5minutes alone with my husband. Yeah...Ellie and nursing dropped through the cracks. So now, 7-8wks later I NEED my time, Ellie NEEDS her time. We need our time now, since we didn't get it earlier in her life. Simon is doing more around the house now, so it's hopefully going to be easier for me to do this nursing thing.

CF appointment today

Ellie's first CF appointment is today. I'm a bit nervous.

The rattling in her chest, and loud breathing, only happens at home. When I was pregnant, after we moved into the house, I had problems. I would wake up with a killer sore throat and runny nose. It's better now. I'm wondering if she's just having some problems with the house being new. Maybe chemicals in the carpet or something. Whatever gives the new house that smell and stuff. Obviously I had some problems adjusting, so maybe she's having some problems.

I'll post about her appointment soon.

Baby congestion??

We've noticed that when Ellie breaths it's a little rattle sound and feel in her back/lungs. She breaths a little heavy now too. Could this be CF related or am I paranoid. She's not coughing and no runny nose. Is there something I can give her? Does she need to stay home, or can we continue with plans. She doesn't seem to be sick.