I'm doing it

I printed off the application for Surgical Tech, and completed it, and it sits in front of me ready to be stamped and mailed off. It will be to start August 2010, so I have some time to wait. Maybe I will take a class in the spring to kinda get in my mind working. If I take Anantomy and Physiology 1 and 2 or Intro to Human Biology and make at least a "B" then I get bonus points towards selection to the Surgical Tech program. So...I think I may see about doing that, it would be awesome to do it.

I went to my counseling appointment this morning. I really love going. I dunno, it's just something about going to counseling every other week that helps. I like to see what kind of BIG things I can accomplish between appointments. Such as I've gotten seen and treated for my plantar facisitis. I've gotten this anal fissures taken care of. I've got this application for college done. The next 2wks, I will have to sit down and talk to my mother in law about a couple things. I need to fill out the application for the gym and TURN IT IN. And make an appointment w/ a primary care doctor. So, that's my homework. Also I need to try to work on some of my anger issues.

We may be going to NC this week. Simon is off 3 nights in a row. So....hopefully we can travel the 8ish hr trip and visit my grandfather. I'll be away from the comp. during that time unless my MIL will let me use her comp. Yeah right. We would leave Tuesday after Ellie's CF appointment. She has her sweat test and an appointment. They said it should be only 2hrs. So, we should be finished at 11am give or take. Simon has his leg appointment earlier that morning, at 8:15 and will hopefully be able to put weight on it. I'm gonna see if Nana can come w/ me to Ellie's appointment.

I gotta run to get Ellie from Nana's. I just wanted to stop by the house real quick to put the application in the mail. Can we say PROGRESS!!! So exciting. So you've all read my goals for the next 2wks. Make sure I work towards them.

Surg. Tech or EMT

So, I'm thinking about going back to school. Only this time, I'm not going back to finish what I started. I was going to get a Bachelors in Sociology. How useless is that...well let me rephrase, it wouldn't be very fulfilling to me. I've always dreamed of being a doctor, one that performed surgery. Well, obviously that dream is out for more reasons than I can count. I've lost that desire completely. But what I do desire, is to be a part of the surgical team. In some way, in any way. Surgical Tech is a relatively quick course, w/ classes that will be of ultimate interest to me. I may even one day be able to work on a trauma team, which would just make me so HAPPY. It's the best and most exciting thing to me. The problem is, I have plantar fascitis in my feet, of course, hence the name plantar. I'm not sure if I will be able to stand for the whole surgery. Also during the pregnancy smells really got to me. Now, I'm guessing an operating room doesn't really smell good. So there are a couple fears. I mean for the foot and knee pain, maybe my doctor can prescribe something that will help. I don't know. I really want to be a surgical tech...but the pain is kinda scary. Oh and the college I would have to go to is 45min. away in the next town over. It's actually from where we move from. But, I can get over that, really I can.

The other option is at the community college here, I could do EMT. Now still in the medical field and still somewhat fun. But....I'm not big on the driving an ambulance, especially in the city (not huge). I just don't trust myself as much as I should. I've been told I should be an EMT by many people. I played the roll of an EMT in a church program one year. I was told I looked "natural" in the uniform. I've been told I should do it because when a medical emergency arises I think the fastest and am the most confident. My adrenalin goes up and I go from this little shy, timid person, to a fast confident, take charge person. It's pretty cool after the "medical emergency" when I get to look back and think "I did...and because I did the right thing, everything turned out ok." It really is a great feeling. I've experienced situations through my jobs with working with mentally/physically challanged adults. You will have things from LONG seizures to bloody noses, to a person with aspiration problems vomitting, or falls, and the list really does go on. My problem is I am overweight, I know I don't move really fast. Also, I'm not a big fan of working in the elements such as rain/storms or snow. I envision a wreck at night, during a thunderstorm and downpour, and I can't wait till it slows down. I soak and wet have to be able to manuver to care for the situation. Ack...enough to scare me away I think. I'm pretty sure they do 12hr shifts, which I hate. Obviously it's a 24hr 7 day a week job, no major holiday off. I personally want a little more hope than that. I mean I could work in a surgical clinic and do mon-fri. I mean could. But it's a little more freedom w/ Surgical Tech. But the college is in my town, it cost less...I think, and isn't quite as long as Surgical Tech, although Surgical Tech isn't real long realively speaking.

So do I do what will make me the most happy since both have slight physical problems associated. I can get past it, expecially if I just lose weight. That's another post. So obviously I'm leaning towards the Surg. Tech program, but what do you think. Not to discourage from commenting, but I think my mind is made up....Now I need encouragement to STOP procrasinating. My middle name is procrasination. I'm not getting anywhere by procrasinating though. I HAVE to do this.

My mom has polyps in her stomach

My mom had her gallbaldder taken out a couple weeks ago. It was functioning at a whopping 12% which is considered non functioning. Plus she had gall stones. YIKES!! She's been battling this for over a year, till she finally gave in and saw a different doctor as she was getting way sicker. She has still been sick. Poor thing. She had the endoscopy thing where they go down with a scope to look in the upper GI portion. She had/s numerous polyps. The dr. took 6 out, which that's all he said they can take out at once or they run a risk of rupturing the stomach, or something like that. He sent them off for testing to see if they are cancerous and stuff. He said every 6months she'll need to return to get 6 more taken out. He said it's probably precancerous so this will be an ongoing thing. To me none of this sounds good. But, I'm gonna play calm. My mom is pretty stress free. She will not put herself through chemo. She's cool w/ what life brings. I'm not so calm. I have a little baby and my mom is the BEST grandma any child could ever ask for. She may have lots of $$ to buy the kid anything or everything, but she is so much fun, even with Ellie being the age she is. When I need to smile and laugh I just let my mom and Ellie be together, and it's so funny. And my mom is AWESOME w/ her woodworking stuff and has all these ideas of building Ellie a swing set and playhouse and stuff. So...I'm hoping for the absolute best. Plus if Ellie loses her Gammy (my mom) then it would be plain sad. Ellie doesn't seem to care much for her Granny, which is Simon's mom. Ellie cries everytime she holds her. Which I don't blame her. LOL. The woman starved her for a couple hours, despite her rooting because she was passing gas. This has happen a couple time. I've got other stories, but that's not the focus of this post. What I'm saying, is if Ellie looses her Gammy, she looses a lot. So yeah, I'm nervous, but I can be calm too....soon. My mom doesn't have the cancer diagnosis. It's all good right now....right?

Surgery and breastfeeding

I had surgery yesterday. I thought I had hemorrhoids during the pregnancy and after. I guess I didn't. It got so bad last week that I went to the ER in the middle of the night. I was told it was hemorrhoids and to see a surgeon. Last Friday I saw the surgeon, just to learn it wasn't hemorrhoids, but rather anal fissures. So yesterday I had my sphincter muscle repaired and fissures removed. It hurts to sit and well it's just not fun.

Breastfeeding has never been great, but I've had some rewarding times. Times that I felt like I was really making progress and doing an awesome job. Before surgery Ellie began falling asleep while I breastfed her. Ugh, very hard on me, to make sure she gets what she needed. But, after the surgery, she had to have bottles for 24hrs. Now today was HORRIBLE for us. She refused every time but 2. And those 2 times she'll take it as long as there is a nice heavy stream, but once she has to work a little she freaks out. I'm so ready to throw my arms up and say forget it. But, on the flip side, I'm really wanting to fight to keep it going. I don't have a pump, we were renting one and I let it go back in June. I think I'm loosing supply, but I also know that I can still increase if I buy a pump (low on money these days), and PUMP, PUMP, PUMP. There is also a bottle that I saw at babies r us that resembles the breast, maybe if I use that, and pump, then maybe I can get her back on the breast. I dunno. I miss my time w/ my precious baby. :-(

Never knew my father

I have never known my father and when I try to find him on things such as Ancestory.com or facebook, I really feel like he's making sure I don't find him. All I know is his first and last name and his birthday. That gets me nowhere, but seeing a bunch of people that may or may not be him. Arg...so aggrivating. Obviously I'm not wanting anything from him. Just to see a pic of him, any children he has, which would be my half sibilings, have a couple questions answers, and maybe know his sister's and parent's name, then I'll be gone. I'm not looking for a father/daughter like relationship. I'm well into my 20's now, I'm too old to back track and have a DADDY. Sure that's hard to grasp. But it's the truth. I no longer cry myself asleep at night because I too wanted to have a Daddy. I don't want his time, attention, money, or gifts, or even apologies. Just a couple answers, a few pictures, and I'll be on my way. That's it. Why does finding a person have to be so damn hard. I want to scream sometimes. Then I find somebody that COULD be him, just to be disappointed most of the time. Well not so much disappointed, well ok, maybe that is the right word. Imagine you are on an Easter Egg hunt. You are the only one on this hunt. There are hundreds of plastic eggs, most empty. Some have a fake, but real looking $100 bill in it, and only 1 has a real $100 bill in it. You open many to find them empty, some to find it really could be, but at a closer to look it's not, but you never seem to find the lucky one. Either you never find it, or because there are so many eggs you skip over a lot too, without much of a glance. That's how it is for me. It's so frustrating!!

I'm alive...a couple pics.

We're, as in Simon, Ellie, and myself are doing great. We are very busy. Simon just recently started a job that he is able to do with a broke leg. He has one more month of no weight bearing with his leg. Ellie is doing a great job at keeping me awake. Nah, she sleeps as good as any baby 2-3months.


More pics to come later.

101th post

OMG, my 100th post caught me off guard, and now here I am at my 101th post. No surprise how boring my 100th post was.

I have an update to my 100th post.

I went to the podiatrist to find out what was up with my foot, and well feet. I decided while I was there, I would tell of my feet problems since childhood. X-ray showed I had plantar facitisis which was no surprise since I've been given that diagnosis before. He gave me a shot, but half of what he would normally give since I'm breastfeeding, but he's sure it wont cause any problems. Since I'm supplementing w/ formula I'm still going to dump and pump. He just did one foot this time. Also the little ball under your big toe has always given me problems. He checked both and both have fluid in that area. He said it's not a good thing, and he will in the future do injections, but since I'm breastfeeding he didn't want to do the injections in all the places. He was sure the injection would help my heal. Let's hope it does. But this evening, I think I'll stay off it as much as possible. Simon is out of the house for now, and my mom and grandma have Ellie for a few more hours. So I can at least rest my feet for a little while. Oh, and I have some kind of tape wrapped around both feet to push my tendon up. So, it's wierd walking anyway. I have a follow up next Tuesday. Hopefully this is a good doctor that will be able to help.