Wanna know what suck

My refrigerator broke. Fortunately we live in an apartment still, so we will not be financially responsible for it. I mean nobody wants to have to throw away chocolate ice cream, frozen foods, milk, cheese, and probably $50 worth of food in general. And until they get us a new refrigerator, nobody wants to live on canned food.

Again, fortunately, I have planned on visiting my mom tomorrow and spending the night tomorrow night with her. Women are getting together tomorrow night at her church for a soup dinner and something else. Whatever, it sounds like a lot of fun. Hopefully by Tuesday evening when I shall return, the fridge will be replaced and we can go restock. Unexpected expenses, don't we just all love them. As for Simon, well, ok, maybe I'm a little worried, as he will still be home, sleeping and working on Monday night and Tuesday night. I'm sure he'll be fine. Maybe before I leave tomorrow, I will get him a supply of non refrigerated items. If I don't I'll be worried about him while I'm gone.

So how is everyone doing? Got any good movies to recommend? We have blockbuster.com and we have been getting some weird ones in lately. We go to the store to get another movie, and low and behold, 4 our 5 are terrible. We did watch Baby Mama, and thought it was pretty good, and Made of Honor was good too. That was mixed in with a bunch of yucky movies. So, any ideas for a good movie???

More randoms

I have a few different things to say.

First, thank you Elana for the blog reward. I haven't even attempted to do anything with it, because well, I'm technological, well, stupid. I'm kinda afraid to try anything. This stuff scares me and I have no idea how people do the things they do. I'm a little jealous maybe. I'm upset because I can never get my myspace layout to do what I want it to do. I don't know, it seems things should be so easy. Maybe it's partially my dinosaur computer.

So, I said we are naming our girl Elizabeth Ellen. Would you believe the book of names/meanings we have does not have Ellen in it. It has everything else, but not Ellen. Crazy!!

My doctor said I had a 1 in 70 chance of Down Syndrome, he was wrong. The genetic counselor said I have a 1 in 108 chance, she even showed me where it said it. And there were no red flags on the u/s indicating Down Syndrome. Woosh, what I relief!! CF, isn't as bad as we originally thought either. The mutation I have to the gene is the most common. Simon has a very rare mutation, that unless it also has a different mutation, it's not as bad. Even if we did pass on our CF gene to our offspring it would not affect them like the "typical" CF. If a male, they would still be infertile, and either way they would still have respiratory problems. However, they probably wont have the pancreatisis and the digestive problems like others do. Again, what a relief!! I have decided against the amniocentisis, even though the office's rate of complication is 1 in 1500. I've figured, there's no red flags on the Down Syndrome, and we know about the CF. I am going to request the info for the CF doctor in town, so maybe we can meet with him/her before the birth so we are more prepared if Ellie does have it.

You read it right, if we have a boy with CF, he will suffer infertility. The genetic counselor said the only way he will be able to have a baby is by IVF. She also said there would be a chance that his sperm wouldn't even be vialable enough for that. If we have a boy with CF in the future, I'm not sure if I want to tell him from the beginning, you know during the puberty talk, or wait. If you tell a teenage boy that he can't have kids, then he may just decide to go sleep with every girl he knows. So, maybe wait and tell him about the infertility later when he starts dating more seriously. Oh, well, I don't have to figure that out yet. We are having a girl, and I'm just trying to figure out what age I need to tell her that she could start gushing with blood down there.

Quick Update

I found out we're having a little girl.
I'm now on moderate bed rest.
I have a 1 in 70 chance for the baby having Down Syndrome.
Still have the 1 in 4 chance for the baby having Cystic Fibrosis.
I go to the high risk doctor first thing in the morning.

Blood pressure update

My blood pressure is staying down pretty good, hasn't scared me half to death yet. It did look like it was going up some last night, but I had a horrible headache. I didn't feel well, so out of lack of anything better, I took my temperature. Sure enough it was a little elevated from my normal, even my pregnancy normal, but it wasn't real high. I took a couple tylenol, took a benedryl and slept it off. This morning, when Simon got home he crawled into bed with me. He claimed he was hearing something that sounded like my heart beating. I mean, sure I am pretty much hearing my heartbeat every waking moment now, but surely somebody else can't be hearing it too. I guess we'll never know if he was really hearing my heartbeat or if it was something else. But, I just wanted to say that things seem to be look a lot better right now.

Bed rest

Let me back up a bit. I forgot I haven't told my blog world about being on bed rest. It all started, well, I'll say the end of last week. I was hearing in my heart beat in my left ear. It was ok, but was a bit nerve racking. I assumed, maybe ear infection, or something.
Monday, I had my regular doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was 144/90, which is higher than what they like to see. I was already on a blood pressure medication. My doctor actually switched me from my pre pregnancy medicine to a different one at my first appointment. Monday he increased it from 100mg twice a day to 200mg twice a day. Tuesday and Wednesday I went into work like normal, only it wasn't very normal for me. I felt like I was going to pass, I was dizzy, lightheaded, and the heartbeat in my ear was getting much worse.
By Wednesday it was bad enough for me to "bother" the OBGYN office. They wanted me to go into the office at 2pm for a blood pressure check. The notice was way too short for my work, so I had to stay and endure the feeling. At the end of the work day, after all the clients were out of the room, I went to a different room to check my blood pressure. Here were the readings: 162/118, 175/113, and 164/104. We took the first 2 right back to back, once on my left, and once on my right. Then we checked several other's blood pressure to see if maybe it was wrong. Everybody esle's was wonderful. We took mine the 3rd time. I called the doctor's office and told the receptionist, I did not leave a message on the nurse's line. It was somewhat late, and I thought it was somewhat of an emergency. Turned out, I think I did everything right. My nurse called back after what seemed like eternity. She instructed me to take my 200mg blood pressure medicine 3 times a day and to be on complete bed rest. I have my big ultra sound on Nov. 11th, and she wants me to see the doctor then too.
Simon got me a blood pressure machine today since my old one is very inaccurate. I LOVE it. I can use it plugged in or with the batteries. It's PINK!! It's awesome. Tonight my blood pressure has been pretty good. Maybe adding the extra dose of the medicine will get me further in the pregnancy more safely. She also told me if it stays up or goes up again, to go to the hospital.
I will do anything for this baby!! I can't tell you how I felt on my way home after learning of just how high my blood pressure was. I was scared for me and my health, but I was absolutely TERRIFIED for Beanie Bear's health and well being. It was really the scariest thing I've had to deal with so far.
I have a work problem though. While I am off for this less than 2 wks, I am using every bit of my sick and vacation time. So if I get sick in the future, need a mental health day, or go on bed rest later, I'm screwed for 2wks. The way it works since I have short term disability, 2wks without work, then I can put in for my short term disability check. It worked in my favor earlier in the year when I was out of work for a knee injury. It would work in my favor during the pregnancy, if I wasn't going to be out for 2wks, then back at work, then out for some time, then back. My mom seems to think I will be at least on modified bed rest for the remainder. I almost hope she is right. For a couple reasons. One being the above reason, I can go ahead and get my short term disability benefits. The other reason, is the past week I felt so much worse while at work. When I go home I would feel kind of bad, but not like I did at work. When a client yelled or screamed, I would hear the heartbeat louder, and I would get dizzy, then I can't handle the situation I'm trying to deal with. Every day is different at my job and my personality I can't handle the unpredictable. I can't handle not know if a particular client will have a terrible behavior during my day. I wasn't one for it before I got pregnant, but I could handle it, now I just can't handle it. That's not even all I deal with from the clients. There's a lot more. But then I have the staff I work with. You have to constantly walk on egg shells with them. They all seem to be up each other's butts. And I don't know if they intentionally leave me out or if they aren't aware of it. Five women in one room...1 is bound to be "left out." Guess who 1 has always been. Sorry, I don't like being the 3rd or 5th wheel, it just doesn't make a person feel good. So that adds to the stress of my work day. Should I keep on...I could, really I could, but I wont. You get the idea, work is very stressful and probably raises my blood pressure. Financially I need to just be out now so I can at least benefit from my short term disability. But, if my blood pressure continues to be this good, then I'll be back at work in no time.
LET ME ADD, THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, THAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS BETTER. FOR MY HEALTH AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR MY BABY'S HEALTH.

31 Things

Finally, I'll do this.

1. Where is your cell phone? On my night stand
2. Where is your significant other? Walmart getting me some bed rest goodies
3. Your hair color? dark brown
4. Your mother? Doris
5. Your father? Chris, but I don't know him
6. Your favorite thing? Simon and our baby I'm having
7. Your dream last night? I was coloring a picture of a lion
8. Your dream/goal? To be a SAHM
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Lately, sleeping
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Anywhere, and happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not doing? cleaning, but I can't right now
15. One of your wish list items? Video camera
16. Where you grew up? Laurinburg
17. The last thing you did? Made a list for Simon to go to Walmart
18. What are you wearing? PJ's, blue striped pants and a t-shirt
19. Your TV? News I think
20. Your pet? Gracie, poodle/jack russel mix
21. Your computer? Dell
22. Your mood? Bored
23. Missing someone? Mema
24. Your car? Toyota Tundra
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks, so my feet are freezing
26. Favorite store? Sorry, don't really have one
27. Your summer? Same as any other day
28. Love someone? Oh yeah
29. Your favorite color? Purple then pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today when talking on the phone with my mom
31. Last time you cried? Two days ago, I really don't like crying though

Wave of Fear

Being in the 2nd trimester, I've been a little less worried about a miscarriage. I know it can still happen and things can till happen, but the chances are lower. First tri boards are full of miscarriages and the 2nd tri boards aren't as much.

Suddenly after reading some blogs and doing some thinking, I've realized that my fear is not over. I'm suddenly afraid of SIDS or some kind of medical problem that takes my child from me early.

Am I allowed to be afraid? How afraid am I allowed to be?

Then I get to thinking past the infant and baby stage. What if my toddler gets hit by a car, abducted, is in a fatal car accident? What if I put my child on the bus and the bus gets in a horrible accident. And there are so many other things that can take our baby/child from us. From conception till the day they actually do die, hopefully when they are very old and after I've gone. I admit, I can be an emotionally strong woman. But there are some things in life I seriously don't think I can ever handle. One of these things is loosing a child. It breaks my heart thinking about the possibility of it.

I need something from the few readers I do have. I need some reassuring words so I don't sit here thinking I'm going to have to be medicated to handle my nerves as my child goes from baby to child, to teenager. If I'm this worried now, before I give birth, how much worse will I be later. I need some calming words. I've always been the queen of "what if's."