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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bittersweet

This is my blog and I have something to say and nowhere to say it, so this is as good as any place. This may be a little bit of TRIGS to those still fighting the infertility war, so if you're having a particular hard day you may not want to read. Though I'm sure you've realized now that most of my posts will have baby related stuff.

This is regarding TTC. I am 11dpo and got a BFN. First off the cycle isn't over yet, so my feelings may be premature. I am feeling 2 very different feelings, but I can't help my feelings. I am scared and I am relieved.

First I'll type about the scared feeling. I know to a lot 14 months isn't a long time to spend TTC, that's what it took for me to get pregnant. I had a diagnosis of PCOS and endometriosis. I had surgery for the endo, I was on clomid for a few round, but wasn't when I got pregnant. The doctor was looking at putting me back on clomid if I didn't get pregnant when I did. I also learned that I was a candidate for IUI, and would probably need that to get pregnant. I was also told my a different doctor that I would probably need IVF to get pregnant. Our insurance does NOT cover IVF or IUI cycles. We could come up with the money for the IUI cycles, but I really don't think we could come up with the money for IVF, that's some expensive stuff. And we have family who would be so against it and give us so much grief about it. I know that this is just one BFN and failed cycle, but I can't help but to think how I was lucky/blessed with getting pregnant the first time. Maybe I wont be so lucky again. It scares the crap out of me, thinking that I may have an even longer road down infertility lane.

I know maybe I should just be content with the beautiful baby girl I have. BUT, DH and I have NEVER seen ourselves with just 1 or even 2 children. Now, we have seen ourselves competing with the Duggars or anything, but we want a nice big happy family.

After reading about my fear you wouldn't think there would be room for relief. Well there is a ton of relief. If I am or had gotten pregnant, Ellie would be about 18 1/2 months old. That's still pretty young. I mean it's the closest I would want 2 children to be in age, hence why we opted to start trying when we did. But still, she's only 10 months right now, still very much my little baby. Simon is still over the road. It will be so much better if Simon is local while I'm pregnant so that he can have more to do with the pregnancy and help me more. Hopefully he'll find a local job in June. It would be awesome if I got pregnant around June or July. That would be Ellie and little brother or sister, almost exactly 2yrs apart. Also if I have a rough pregnancy with m/s and stuff, I can have Simon's help. If I get pregnant before the fall semester starts then I know that I wont be doing any schooling then, which isn't a problem. Simon really would rather me not do full time school anyway, so I can be a SAHM as long as I can. But, the relief comes in, that TTC#2 is way different from TTC#1. Now rather it be a pregnancy sucking the energy out of me or a new baby in house, it affects my first child greatly. I know I will be able to love both the same. It's really very hard to explain. I guess because Ellie is still so much a baby still, it gives me a little relief. It would probably be best if I got pregnant when she's less baby and more toddler. Which let me tell you she's getting closer and closer to each week.

Ok, so for my brag session. Ellie is walking when somebody holds ONE hand. She has a real good gait too, she's not wobbling when she walks, but rather more of a one foot infront of another, ok, so maybe she does have some wobble in her step too, lol. When I'm trying to get her changed on the floor or brush her hair, she will crawl FAST away from me and giggle the whole time.

Obviously I have very mixed feelings about a failed cycle. But it's just what I'm feeling scared and relieved. Oh, and if I had gotten a BFP I would have been scared and relieved for the exact opposite. Relieved it didn't take long to conceived, and scared about how it would affect Ellie. So, either way, I would have the same feelings.

5 comments:

Elana said...

Wow, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I get the exact same feelings at the end of each of my cycles...and we've been "not trying" since June (when I stopped breastfeeding). It makes me nervous that we haven't gotten pregnant yet, but at the same time I'm like "whew, we've dodged the bullet again" lol. *sigh* Why can't this be easy?

Btw, have you checked out my brand new reviews & giveaways blog? I have a giveaway up right now with another good one coming next week. Right now with not many entries it's pretty easy to win. :-) www.thetwinners.com

Katey said...

Praying you feel at peace with this situation...I know it has to be frustrating....and definitely use your blog to vent...that's part of the purpose of having one...so others out there can encourage and give advice when they have been through the same situations....hang in there.

My brother and I are barely 2 years apart...I know that is more than 18 months...but I would rather have the kids closer together in age verses farther apart.

Praying for you!

mk said...

I understand your feelings completely. My dh and I got were blessed with a naturally conceived pregnancy after 2.5 years of unexplained infertility, and I know many others try even longer than that without success and my heart truly breaks for them because I know how painful my experience was and I just can't fathom that degree of pain. However, dh and I know that we will try for at least one more child starting in October 2011. We chose then because at that point I will have graduated with my degree and hopefully be settled in to my first teaching job. But even though it is over a year and a half away, I am terrified of ttc again. So, please know your not alone, my thoughts are with you, and that I will be following your story, sending you lots of "baby dust" ;) wow, I haven't used that term in such a long time, lol

M said...

Throughout my infertiltiy journey I never differentiated between women suffering from primary or secondary infertility. I pray that conceiving your second child will be easier for you and trust me when I say that us girls from the TTC boards would never have the "be happy, you already have one" mentality towards you. The desire to have a child is our common thread, not whether we already have one or not. I am the same way as you though. Although I am expecting my first, I see a few more children in the future for us and pray that things will be a little easier the second, third (and maybe fourth, lol) time around.

ssbean said...

Thank you all, your comments have made me feel "normal" in my thinking.