Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bed rest

Let me back up a bit. I forgot I haven't told my blog world about being on bed rest. It all started, well, I'll say the end of last week. I was hearing in my heart beat in my left ear. It was ok, but was a bit nerve racking. I assumed, maybe ear infection, or something.
Monday, I had my regular doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was 144/90, which is higher than what they like to see. I was already on a blood pressure medication. My doctor actually switched me from my pre pregnancy medicine to a different one at my first appointment. Monday he increased it from 100mg twice a day to 200mg twice a day. Tuesday and Wednesday I went into work like normal, only it wasn't very normal for me. I felt like I was going to pass, I was dizzy, lightheaded, and the heartbeat in my ear was getting much worse.
By Wednesday it was bad enough for me to "bother" the OBGYN office. They wanted me to go into the office at 2pm for a blood pressure check. The notice was way too short for my work, so I had to stay and endure the feeling. At the end of the work day, after all the clients were out of the room, I went to a different room to check my blood pressure. Here were the readings: 162/118, 175/113, and 164/104. We took the first 2 right back to back, once on my left, and once on my right. Then we checked several other's blood pressure to see if maybe it was wrong. Everybody esle's was wonderful. We took mine the 3rd time. I called the doctor's office and told the receptionist, I did not leave a message on the nurse's line. It was somewhat late, and I thought it was somewhat of an emergency. Turned out, I think I did everything right. My nurse called back after what seemed like eternity. She instructed me to take my 200mg blood pressure medicine 3 times a day and to be on complete bed rest. I have my big ultra sound on Nov. 11th, and she wants me to see the doctor then too.
Simon got me a blood pressure machine today since my old one is very inaccurate. I LOVE it. I can use it plugged in or with the batteries. It's PINK!! It's awesome. Tonight my blood pressure has been pretty good. Maybe adding the extra dose of the medicine will get me further in the pregnancy more safely. She also told me if it stays up or goes up again, to go to the hospital.
I will do anything for this baby!! I can't tell you how I felt on my way home after learning of just how high my blood pressure was. I was scared for me and my health, but I was absolutely TERRIFIED for Beanie Bear's health and well being. It was really the scariest thing I've had to deal with so far.
I have a work problem though. While I am off for this less than 2 wks, I am using every bit of my sick and vacation time. So if I get sick in the future, need a mental health day, or go on bed rest later, I'm screwed for 2wks. The way it works since I have short term disability, 2wks without work, then I can put in for my short term disability check. It worked in my favor earlier in the year when I was out of work for a knee injury. It would work in my favor during the pregnancy, if I wasn't going to be out for 2wks, then back at work, then out for some time, then back. My mom seems to think I will be at least on modified bed rest for the remainder. I almost hope she is right. For a couple reasons. One being the above reason, I can go ahead and get my short term disability benefits. The other reason, is the past week I felt so much worse while at work. When I go home I would feel kind of bad, but not like I did at work. When a client yelled or screamed, I would hear the heartbeat louder, and I would get dizzy, then I can't handle the situation I'm trying to deal with. Every day is different at my job and my personality I can't handle the unpredictable. I can't handle not know if a particular client will have a terrible behavior during my day. I wasn't one for it before I got pregnant, but I could handle it, now I just can't handle it. That's not even all I deal with from the clients. There's a lot more. But then I have the staff I work with. You have to constantly walk on egg shells with them. They all seem to be up each other's butts. And I don't know if they intentionally leave me out or if they aren't aware of it. Five women in one room...1 is bound to be "left out." Guess who 1 has always been. Sorry, I don't like being the 3rd or 5th wheel, it just doesn't make a person feel good. So that adds to the stress of my work day. Should I keep on...I could, really I could, but I wont. You get the idea, work is very stressful and probably raises my blood pressure. Financially I need to just be out now so I can at least benefit from my short term disability. But, if my blood pressure continues to be this good, then I'll be back at work in no time.

31 Things

Finally, I'll do this.

1. Where is your cell phone? On my night stand
2. Where is your significant other? Walmart getting me some bed rest goodies
3. Your hair color? dark brown
4. Your mother? Doris
5. Your father? Chris, but I don't know him
6. Your favorite thing? Simon and our baby I'm having
7. Your dream last night? I was coloring a picture of a lion
8. Your dream/goal? To be a SAHM
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Lately, sleeping
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Anywhere, and happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not doing? cleaning, but I can't right now
15. One of your wish list items? Video camera
16. Where you grew up? Laurinburg
17. The last thing you did? Made a list for Simon to go to Walmart
18. What are you wearing? PJ's, blue striped pants and a t-shirt
19. Your TV? News I think
20. Your pet? Gracie, poodle/jack russel mix
21. Your computer? Dell
22. Your mood? Bored
23. Missing someone? Mema
24. Your car? Toyota Tundra
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks, so my feet are freezing
26. Favorite store? Sorry, don't really have one
27. Your summer? Same as any other day
28. Love someone? Oh yeah
29. Your favorite color? Purple then pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today when talking on the phone with my mom
31. Last time you cried? Two days ago, I really don't like crying though

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Wave of Fear

Being in the 2nd trimester, I've been a little less worried about a miscarriage. I know it can still happen and things can till happen, but the chances are lower. First tri boards are full of miscarriages and the 2nd tri boards aren't as much.

Suddenly after reading some blogs and doing some thinking, I've realized that my fear is not over. I'm suddenly afraid of SIDS or some kind of medical problem that takes my child from me early.

Am I allowed to be afraid? How afraid am I allowed to be?

Then I get to thinking past the infant and baby stage. What if my toddler gets hit by a car, abducted, is in a fatal car accident? What if I put my child on the bus and the bus gets in a horrible accident. And there are so many other things that can take our baby/child from us. From conception till the day they actually do die, hopefully when they are very old and after I've gone. I admit, I can be an emotionally strong woman. But there are some things in life I seriously don't think I can ever handle. One of these things is loosing a child. It breaks my heart thinking about the possibility of it.

I need something from the few readers I do have. I need some reassuring words so I don't sit here thinking I'm going to have to be medicated to handle my nerves as my child goes from baby to child, to teenager. If I'm this worried now, before I give birth, how much worse will I be later. I need some calming words. I've always been the queen of "what if's."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Random thoughts

There really isn't too much to update on. Pretty much the bullet thing like Nancy does at times.
- I'm pissed off at Mrs. Lazy at work. She's making my life MISERABLE at work.

- Simon and my cousin are going to a Men's Conference at church Friday evening and Saturday morning. I will be staying with my aunt just relaxing and chilling out.

- After the men's conference Simon will be getting me, dropping off my cousin, and Simon and I will head to visit my most wonderful aunt and uncle. They live about 2hrs away and we always have such awesome times with them. We are both very excited.

- I NEVER cook. Seriously, I do not cook, and Simon doesn't cook either. He'll eat a sandwich, microwavable something, or hot dog. I pretty much do the same. We just never cook. We have decided, to try 1 home cooked meal a week. We just don't like the cooking and cleaning involved. So, starting off with one home cooked meal should be pretty easy. I made some awesome vegetable beef stew and I had Simon make a box of Jiffy cornbread. We sat at the dinning room table and enjoyed a "family dinner."

Pregnancy related:

- I have a doctor's appointment on Monday afternoon.
- I am 15wks as of this past Wed.
- I'm kind of hoping he'll do an ultra sound, but I doubt he will. If nothing else I want to see this little one move in there. And if we can tell the gender, it'll be an added bonus.
- I have wanted a boy, up until this week, and now a girl sounds pretty good.
- We have a boy and a girl name picked out. While we are open to changing things a bit when the baby arrives, we are not open criticism on what we picked out. I have a coworker who is very picky with names. When I first started brainstorming, she was quick to shoot down our possible names. So I am hesitant to reveal our chosen names at work.
- Boy: Josiah Zacharriah Yeah, ok, so that's a little odd, I know. This may really change, but when I wrote it down during church one Sunday and showed it to Simon, he lit up. That's what I've been looking for, the reaction from him, saying that, he really loves a name.
- Girl: Elizabeth Ellen. Awww, that almost brings tears to my eyes, just the way it looks. We will call her Ellie. Ok, so maybe I REALLY want a girl now so I can use this name. Simon's 2 grandma's names are Elizabeth, one middle, the other it's her first name. My beloved mema's middle name was Ellen. My mom's best friend, who is like an adopted grandma to me name is Helen. So, Elizabeth Ellen will be naming the child after all great grandmothers. And I LOVE Ellie for short.
-Still not feeling little Ellie or Joey yet. But I'm just getting to that stage that some people feeling their little one. I'm larger and this is my first. So, I can't really expect to feel anything yet. Punishment for being larger, right.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Difficult Evening yesterday

Before I continue this is about a friend's miscarraige, not details, but about something that happened last night.

This friend and I are more like acquaintances, but she's on my facebook. Through facebook I have learned that she has experienced a miscarriage. Her and her husband aren't in our young married couple Sunday school class, but they are interested in getting involved at some level with it. So we had a Sunday School party last night, and they were invited. My husband went to a different Walmart yesterday afternoon, not the one closest to us. To our surprise they were there, so they talked. Turned out they had been invited to the party, but needed directions, so Simon gave told them. I was afraid, not only because I'm pregnant, but because there are 4 other preggos in the class, who are really active. I knew that the night would be hard on them, but there was very little anybody could do to make it better. Oh yeah, and besides 4 preggos, theres were babies and toddlers and young children all over the place.

I felt like crying for them when one of the non preggos said "raise your hand if you pregnant." I didn't want it to be a night to flaunt pregnancy around this new couple who just experienced a tragedy. Later, the first batch of hamburgers came out, and they said "all preggos get first choice of burgers." They were adiment about the preggos getting theirs first. Shouldn't the guests have gotten theirs first too? That's just the tip of the ice berg. Since we were the really the only ones they knew, we talked to them a lot. Of course, I remained considerate and sensitive by not talking about my pregnancy to them. But I couldn't do anything to avoid all the many people coming to me asking me how my pregnancy was going, how far am I, do we know what we are having, and making their guesses. It wasn't like I could say, lets not talk about this because they just experienced a lost. Or I would rather not talk about it. I felt like my hands were tied.

I remember the days that I avoid this group of people or if I couldn't because of a holiday party, I left hurting. I remember doing everything to avoid the preggos and babies and any place that would have parenting talk and pregnancy/childbirth talk. If I couldn't avoid any of that, which you can't unless you lock yourself up in your house, never answer the phone, and never watch TV. So this morning, I typed up a somewhat long email to send to her. I told her what most don't know about me. How, while I can't understand a miscarriage and the lost they have experienced, I understand how hard last night probably was for them, with all the preggos and babies. She replied, glad that she has somebody she can talk to and that it was hard for them last night. She said that it let them know that it's not over yet and their day will come. They were not trying, as she is actually still in school and don't want to have to take a semester off. Now, they've realized how much they want a baby, so they need patience to wait till the time is better. Nevertheless trying or not, a pregnancy lost is losing a piece of yourself. Please say a prayer for this couple. I know is our world on the internet, pregnancy and TTC boards we hear about so many miscarriages that it actually becomes hard to keep all in our minds. But, if you can, please say a real quick little prayer for this couple. Thanks.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

So I'm absolutely terrible at keeping up with my blog. Honestly, it's because I really don't have much to talk about. Yeah, I live a boring life. I could go into a rant and rage about work, but honestly this is Saturday, and today and tomorrow I want to get my mind as far off work as possible.
I'm a week away from my 2nd tri. I'm feeling great!! I've learned how to eat. I'm eating the more frequent small meals and snacks. As long as I keep a little food, but not much on my belly at all times I don't get sick. If I fail at this, like last night before dinner, I get a little sick feeling. All it took though was little piece of lemon to take care of it, then I could eat no problems.
We enjoyed mexican last night. We used to go for mexican all the time, but then the cheese thing scared me away. We finally went and I loved it. I had a soft taco and mexican rice, with mild sauce and sour cream in it. It was so yummy. In fact, I'm thinking about getting me an order to go today for lunch, and maybe even dinner, we'll see. I just ate the left over rice, for a middle of the night snack. While eating it, I ventured on the computer...bad idea, I really should be back in bed sleeping. When I finish with this I'll crawl back between the covers. I think I have some real cravings now. The mexican rice thing, but it has to have the salsa and sour cream, mexican food in general, baby carrots, spinach veggie dip, and pepsi. Obviously I'm not indulging in too much pepsi, just a can or 2 a day. The baby carrots are really strange though. I chew them up, but can't seem to swallow them. TMI alert, I chew pulvarized carrots and will keep chewing till I spit it out. I try to swallow it but it's gagging. I chew and suck the flavor. So, because it's so nasty, I have indulge in the privacy of my own home, and way from Simon. I don't think he would be too thrilled about seeing ABC carrots.
As you may know we live an apartment. Especially with the baby coming and economy, we have been doing a lot of considering what we should do. The apartment we are in now, imo is not acceptable for the baby. Even some of the other units here would be better, but Simon refuses to move to a different unit. When we moved in his uncle owned them, and it was really run down. Since then, a different own has bought them and fixed them up as people moved out and raised the rent of course. He also bought a 2nd apartment complex. We took the manager the rent last and it was my first time seeing the other apartments. Her and her family are moving to the unit across from them because it's a little more room. I told DH I really want to move in, sure it's a little more rent, but come on, it's better quality and we really can afford it. It's not quite as big with the kitchen and living room, but the set up is open. The rooms are bigger, there's carpet in the bedroom areas, and hardwood and tile in the kitchen and living room. Where we are at now it's dingy old stained up carpet and lanoleum. I told Simon when they move I really want to jump on their unit because I know it's been taken care of. Also, it's lower level and easy access, not only for us with the baby, but my mom and his dad are disabled and it would help them a lot. So please pray and keep your fingers cross that I can talk Simon into this other apartment. We've thought about becoming house people, renting or owning, we've considered and come close, but we aren't house people just yet. Too many things to get into, but we really don't want one yet. I'll keep you update on how it goes with talking him into it. For what we pay for rent, we aren't going to find anything descent, we have to up the amount we are willing to pay, and this isn't bad at all. So many reasons this is better, and easier because we don't have to pay another pet deposit and it's easier because we are sticking with the same owner and everything. It's great.