Saturday, December 27, 2008


I am finally going to upload some pictures. No ultra sound yet, but soon. We got an awesome printer/scanner last year for Christmas. I had the box in MY closet (we have separate closets). One of Simon's cleaning/throwing away fits, he threw the box away. So I have this brand new never been used printer, but can't even plug it in, much less hook it up to the computer. For this next week, I am planning on going to Walmart and putting the pictures on CD, then I should be able to have a post with the ultra sound pictures.

The first one is me at 6 1/2wks. The second one is me at 22 1/2wks. I wanted to see the difference between the 2, hence why I put them both on, skipping any other pics I have. I can still very much wear the dress in the first picture. Maybe soon, I'll get a picture of me in that dress and compare the 2. The shirt in the second picture is my favorite shirt. Most of my shirts are just a plus size up from what I usually wear. This is actually a maternity shirt, and out of my maternity shirts, this one shows my belly the best.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sorry it's been a while

I've been reading other blogs, not commenting as much, but commenting some. I guess I just haven't been in much mood to post. Sorry for that. I just wanted to let all who read my blog to know that I'm alive, I'm well, and Ellie is doing well. I had another ultra sound last week. They tried to get a front view of her face, but everytime they almost had it she moved, the little stinker. She's only interested in showing her profile view and between her legs. She's not very modest. I am 24wks now, I'm so excited to be getting closer to 3rd and final trimester. I'm excited almost to tears. 110 days till the edd, and if we have to induce at 39wks then it's even less. I'm so excited to be so close to holding my little precious baby in my arms. But, we have lots to get done before that big day. Nursery, lots of stuff still to be purchased, showers, and still, I haven't given up on the wish to move, even if it's to the better apartment below us. That's all I have for now...more later.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Dr.'s appointment

I had a doctor's appointment today. Nothing too interesting, well, ok, maybe a little. I am still on moderate bed rest until my blood pressure decides to cooperate with me 24/7. He said I'll most likely be on some form of bed rest until we see a baby. Awe, a baby.

I discussed a little problem I'm having, be proud of me. I wasn't sure if it was hemorrhoids or not, so I wanted to make sure before I used medication for it. He said it sounds like hemorrhoids and made his recommendation. We didn't get the medicine yet, but we will tomorrow or the next day. I mean I'm on bed rest, it's no huge deal, really. For the most part, I can handle pain, not happily, but it's not an emergency.

I didn't say a word about the back pain I'm having off and on. It's mostly when I sit up for a while. I really think it's from weak muscles in my back being used now. Not to mention, I can't complain about these common aches and pains. I signed up for this, so I was prepared for most of what I've had to endure thus far.

Something I was not prepared for that has been a bother for 7wks is the constant gushing of heartbeat sound in my left ear. Oh boy, and when I try to go to sleep, it's very loud and very aggravating. I mentioned it to him before, but he brushed it off. This time, I didn't really brush it off myself. He listened to that artery and said that he will contact a cardiologist that he likes. He was concerned, but wasn't sure if it was something we needed to address during pregnancy or if it could wait till after pregnancy. He said that often times older people will get their artery stripped of the plaque. If they don't plaque will build up and cause narrowing of the artery which is apparently his guess for this. He said that during pregnancy since there is a high blood volume, it will probably seem worse, but get somewhat better after the pregnancy. However, he did say that it's definitely a warning sign that needs to be addressed at some point. He said it's a risk factor for a stroke. Apparently he quickly talked to the cardiologist and I have an ultra sound on me neck in the morning. Hubby says that's where the twin is hiding.

I told my mom about the above, and she commented that I tend to age faster than normal. Now, for some family history, my mom is in her mid 40's and is like a 60-70yr with health and stuff. She can't relate to anybody in their 40's but rather the older ones. Her health started deteriorating fast in her late 20's. Her mom had very poor health in her 40's, died when she was 61 of medical problems. Her mom died in her late 50's and again, was older than she really was. So the women in our family have poor health, and we are learning, we age quicker apparently. I guess I'm no exception.

I was happy though when they asked if I have been having any contractions or cramping. NOPE! That felt real good, LO is snuggled in there for now. While I'm looking forward to April and I'm getting increasingly excited, I don't want March to be the month.

Oh, we got a Precious Moments quilt in the mail today. I won it on eBay, my first bidding and my first win. Thursday we plan on picking up the crib and changing table. I'm thinking before we put it together we should probably do any painting first. Simon is very excited to get rid of his den area and start getting the nursery set up.

There's my update. I'll post a memory story next.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I look pregnant now!!

If you are TTC, and you are having a bad day, you may not want to continue reading. It's just a little pregnancy post. Trust me, it'll be short.

I was concerned, being overweight and all, that I wouldn't look pregnant. It scared me. I mean, I'm not 300+lbs, but I'm also not 180. I would be happy at 180 with my build. If I were to say how much I weigh, you would probably envision a very large nasty fat person, which in my opinion isn't the case. I am very large boned, and the weight is pretty much distributed equally. I don't have a large mid section and skinny's all on the large side. I was also worried, well, still am about if DH will be able to feel Ellie through the fat. We'll have to wait on that part.

So, I've been concerned that I just look fat and not pregnant. Guess what though. Just in the last couple days, I SUDDENLY look pregnant. Yeah, I am so excited. Friends and family are starting to comment on how I look pregnant. I have my favorite maternity shirt, and it really make my belly look cute. But I went to target and tried on a few different plus size shirts, and let me tell you, there's no doubt I'm pregnant. I LOVE LOOKING PREGNANT!! Okay I just had to get that out. I want to go to the top of the mountain and shout it, so all can hear. Can you tell I'm happy? I wore my favorite top last night to a Christmas program, and as I walked to the bathroom, I could see my reflection in the's such a gorgeous profile look. I think it's time I can take another pregnancy photo. Maybe I'll figure out how to post it on here. I'm finally feeling beautifully pregnant.

With looking pregnant does come aches and pains that can't be ignored and brushed under the rug. So far I'm good though, I only get down when I'm having the back pain, generally in the evening. But, I've had worse in my life and this too shall pass. The day will come in 4 months, that this will be over and I will hold Ellie in my arms...okay, I think I'm hormonal today, I'm about to start crying. I love my baby girl so much. I love looking pregnant.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Disturbing post

I read a post on a message board that was a little concerning for me. It was somebody who is pregnant with #2 or more, and they said they asked their doctor why they are so much more concerned now than with #1. The doctor said that with #2 you know what your missing if something does go wrong. So, then of course, others put in their 2 cents worth and agreed they worried a lot less with #1.

I'm not sure if I have the ability to worry any more than I already am and have been. Whether I am considered an infertility grad or not, that's beside the point, it took me over a year to get pregnant. I was diagnosed with a couple different conditions that make it difficult to conceive, in fact some with my diagnosis have to do a lot more than I did. I feel very blessed and don't take any of this for granted. If something happens to this baby, I know that it may very well take me a lot longer and a lot more medical intervention to get pregnant again. With PCOS and endometriosis, it's not a guarantee that I'll easily get pregnant again.

Also, with the 25% risk this baby will have cystic fibrosis, and a 25% chance #2 will have cystic fibrosis, and so on and so on, I'm sorry but I worry. I was about to reply that one can be worried with their 1st, but I didn't want to get something going. I hate confrontation so I figured I would come to my blog since I can say whatever I want to say.

I don't know if I'm so worried because I did try longer than the "oops I'm pregnant" girls. Or even longer than the 2 BFN months and then finally after what seemed like forever, they get their BFP's. (3 months, yeah, that was forever, that was torture). I have realized that I didn't even try for a real long time. I did put money, and with our finances, I put in a nice amount towards getting pregnant. So, if something happens to this baby, then I'm at square 1, well okay, maybe square 2, since I at least know what the problems are now. Maybe for most, a pregnancy with #2 is more worriesome. I have to disagree though. Many of you spent time or are spending time in the TTC. Many or all who read my post spent or are spending big bucks on trying to get your baby #1. I think it's ok to worry during the first pregnancy in these cases, when you have some sort infertility battle.

Are we, as women who fought or are fighting for even just 1 baby, are we allowed to worry during the pregnancy? The first baby isn't always a surprise for couples. Some really want and try hard for that 1st one. Am I overreacting to this??? If I am just tell me, and I'll delete this post. I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable and cause confirtation on my blog. But when you invest, time, money, tears, and avoid social functions to avoid babies, pregnant women, and pregnancy announcements; I think you have the right to worry.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Christmas wish list

Believe it or not past Christmas' has been hard for me to shop for hubby. He's a man with few need and few wants. This is our 2nd Christmas married, and the list for him is endless. I want to get him everything on his list and the list that I've created for him. Now, I am totally clueless on what to get others, such as my mom, his mom, his dad, and do we really need to worry about aunts and uncles and cousins? I mean seriously, my mom's sister and brother, and 22yr old nephew expect things from us. I just don't understand buying for such extended family. I'm actually giving my uncle my used digital camera, as my aunt and cousin are giving us their used digital camera. So, since this is how it is, then I shouldn't feel bad for giving them a really small something, right? Then there's my mom, who really doesn't expect much, and his mom who I am completely clueless as what we should get her. Here's the list I have for Simon

  • MP3 player (already purchased) He'll love me for it.
  • MP3 holder (already purchased)
  • Pajamas
  • A specific kind of socks, kind of a joke.
  • A sweater (he's finally starting to like the style of clothing I like for him)
  • Undies (my choice of course)
  • Cologne (again my choice, but his favorite)
  • Plus a stocking, which I've decided this year we will have 1 stocking for stuff for both of us, unless he decides to do me a stocking.
My wish list
  • Perfume (our favorite for me)
  • I want him to wash my feet with a special scrub, sand the dry skin off the heels, lotion the feet, and paint the toenails a new color.
  • One of those long things that help you reach your back to wash it better
  • Pajamas to match/compliment his
  • A new tube of my Mary Kay foundation

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgivings the way they used to be

One day I loved so much was Thanksgiving, even better than Christmas at times. From a child's view that is. Now, I love all the holidays just the same.

Thanksgiving was the day that all my family from Georgia, great aunts, great uncles, and cousins came to visit. Often times my mom's siblings one and/or the other would grace us with their presents. Throughout the years, other relatives from Florida or other parts of North Carolina would come. Everybody knew that we would all get together on that particular day at a specific (never changing) location once for day of food and fun with the family.

The food was absolutely amazing. Several tables in MY church's fellowship hall were covered with all kinds of food. I had many cousins just a little older than me that were a lot of fun to play with, well, when we were younger we played. When we got older, since 3 that were the closest to me were boys, there was a time we didn't have anything in common. I guess I was around middle school age. Surrounded by family but still feeling alone. That's actually the story of my life, surrounded by people, but feeling alone. Ok, this isn't supposed to be sad, it's supposed to be happy, so let me, back up to the FUN ones during childhood.

After we stuffed our bellies, played outside, played a special Thanksgiving Bingo, took many pictures of each individual family and all the cousins, the kids made Christmas countdown calenders with a piece of candy taped to each day, we called it a day. Actually I left one big thing out, Aunt Joann. She would always never fail, lecture all of how important family is, and tell us younger ones how important it is to be close knit with each other. She would always end up crying and talking through the tears and she wasn't finished until at least half the family was crying with her. Then, we would sort of called it a day. We gathered everything up and head to my great grandma's house. It was everybody else's grandma, but only step grandma. She was married into the family, but then widowed, so she was still in the family and the only grandma many knew. We would go to her house and rake the leaves into a big huge pile by the road so the city could pick them up. Us kids went out back to swing on a rope swing. There were 2 pieces of rope with a board between them, as the seat. The swing didn't go as high as a thrill seeker such as myself would hope it would. But, with the cousins there, I got more than my thrill. I sat on that huge wodden swing, and they twisted those 2 ropes together and bam, let go. That was so much fun!! I stood up and tried to walk a straight line as I was so dizzy, and it gave somebody else a chance to be in the hot seat. Then my turn again. One of the last times I remember, was rough though. It was the only time I got a litte scared. I guess they twisted it a lot or something. I thought for sure I was going to fall off or something. But, it was still fun. For dinner that night, we helped ourselves to some of the left overs, being sure to save enough for the next day. Not to mention we had such a huge lunch, who needed much. A lot of the time, it was just desert later we helped ourselves to.

The next morning, we were up bright and early, a little too early. We hit the pavements shopping. I learned rather quickly why nobody went with Aunt Joann. But, I still liked the one on one time with her and she always got me something really nice. Aunt Joann would stand at one rack for what seemed like an hour, carefully sorting through each article clothing, as if she's going through a mental list of each person she has to buy for with each thing. Before we even left the first section of Belks my feet would be hurting so bad. I knew when we got finished with that first section we were about 1/3rd down with that store. She spent another 1/3rd of her time in other parts of the store, then the other 1/3 of the time at the make up counter. She would have all these different shades of lipsticks on hand. Slowly but surely she narrowed the shades down. Often time it would take a good hour or more before she was set on the one she was going to get. After 3-5hrs in Belks, it was time to move on. She would visit some other stores, but none were even close to Belks for her. She loved that store and they didn't have one in Georgia. That was why she loved it so much.

Eventually we would all meet back at the grandma's house. We would share with each other the great deals we found. It was time for lunch, so the infamous turkey sandwich made it's appearance, with a couple side items such as stuffing, collards, mac and cheese, or some other casserole, and maybe a deviled egg. Yummy, yummy, just as good as the day before. We sat and relaxed and napped as we watched T.V. There were kids all over the floor, since the rule in our family was always the older ones get first dibs on the seats. Even if somebody was 1yr old and there was only 1 seat, that oldest got dibs first. It was an understood rule, that's hard for me to get over now. When I get together with a different family or with my husband's family and here a 50yr old man has to sit on the floor, but a 6yr old has a seat in a chair or couch, I just don't get it. It's a first come first serve, move your feet, lose your seat kinda thing. Back to the Thanksgivings, ones from Georgia would shower grandma with early Christmas gifts. If only they knew what I knew. She had closets full of old gifts with tags still on it, she didn't wear the stuff, she just put it in closets. It was still fun though.

On Saturday we would once again meet at the house, as everybody packed up to leave. Never a dry tear in the place. We hugged, we kissed on cheeks, until next year. Yet another Thanksgiving, come and gone. Children were told to be good. "I love you" was the line everybody said to each other We never knew when it would be the last for somebody, anybody.

Then one year, it was. My grandmother, my mom's mom that is, passed away. To some she was a sister, and to a few she was Mom, to me she was Mema, but to many she was Aunt Barbara. I honestly don't remember that following Thanksgiving. I'm sure some came for my great grandma, but I just don't know. If the family did get together, it was the last Thanksgiving. That August before Thanksgiving we had a HUGE family reunion in Georgia. For once all my Mema's siblings were together, all but her. The one from California was there, and I met many cousins I had never so much as seen before. It was huge. After one passed away, Thanksgiving was never the same.

I know even if we still all got together it wont be the same. I mean, we will never all gather at one small house the day after for turkey sandwiches. We wont go out and rake leaves, and throw people in them after. We are all much too big to get on the swing anymore. No matter how much I want to relive those past Thanksgivings, I can't. Last Thanksgiving, last minute the Georgia folk, a couple hours away from us got together. It was too last minute for us to join them. I asked well in advance this year, hoping they would once again get together. I guess many are still trying to "find" that way of spending Thanksgiving. One cousin and his wife and newborn son are going to Disney World for Thanksgiving. An aunt and uncle are going to North Carolina. Aunt Joann will be with her son and 4 grandkids. My mom is going to Chicago with her best friend. My aunt here in Tennessee will be going up on the mountain with her best friend. My husband and I will be spending the day with roughly 25 people in his family. It's a bittersweat day, as I would much rather keep it simple with a small group than spend it with a totally different 25 people. My heart is with my family on Thanksgiving. It's so hard to get used to another family's way of doing things. They pick at the food before the meal. If I did that growing up, surely some adult would correct me. If there is one day of the year, that I miss my extended family, it has to be on Thanksgiving.

My Thankful List:

  • My immediate family (my husband, and my mom)
  • My extended family
  • The little baby growing inside me
  • Our jobs that we have, it could be worse, we could have no jobs at all
  • My friends
  • Our wonderful and most awesome church
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Safe travels for all who are traveling. Be careful on Black Friday and have fun.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Meeting the Monster 1st Memory

As I try to think of topics to blog about, I can't think of anything good. I mean, I live a rather boring life. There are some things in my current life I could blog about, but I would rather not. Some things are just personal and don't need to be shared on public internet. So, I figured I would start posting some topics that would let you know me a little better. Not the surface me, or the present me, but memories I have from early childhood and beyond. I think it will reveal a little about me that most don't know yet. I can remember what happened when I was 16months old, but I can't remember what happened yesterday. I may remember things before I was 16 months old, but in my mind I can't put a date on anything specific, until then.

You may be wondering how I can remember something from 16 months of age. It's easy, it was my first time meeting SANTA CLAUS. So, since my birthday was July, and I wasn't an infant, it was obviously when I was 16months old. Also talking to my mother about, she confirms when it was and is shocked that I can remember something from such a young age. My opinion, was when something is that traumatic, you tend to remember it.

My Mema took me to the K-Mart my Granddaddy worked in quite often when I was young. I remember her dressing me in these beautiful lacy dresses and putting me in the shopping cart seat. We wouldn't make it past the entrance before all these women came saying how cute I was.

This particular day was a little different. My Mommy was with us, and I think Granddaddy was on break. We went into the store, and since my Mommy was there I wasn't dressed in a fancy dress this time. When you went into the store, just to your left was the snack bar, that's where we went on this day. I'm assuming we got some kind of food or drinks, don't really remember. I do remember we were sitting at a booth, Mema on one side, my mom and I on the other, of course, me on the inside. To the right of me was ledge that if I wanted to, I could fall over and land in the store, just to give you a visual. We were enjoying our little day out.

Then it happened. This big, huge, scary man came. I still get a little freaked thinking about it. He had a lot of white hair on his face, big black belt, black gloves, and huge black boots. I was TERRIFIED. I screamed, I cried, for what seemed like forever. While I screamed and cried, the 2 people I trusted most in life, Mema, and Mommy, were trying to give me to him. I protested, kicked, hit, and did everything I could to avoid going any closer to the strange scary man. I couldn't figure out why Mema and Mommy wanted me to get closer to him, did they not love me? I remember thinking, if I go over this ledge, I may get hurt, but I would further from this monster, but if I don't go over the ledge, who knows what will happen. After careful consideration, I finally decided, that going over the ledge was my only option. At this point, my Mema and Mommy saw my decision, and finally told the monster to leave.

Lesson learned: Never trust!! This was the first time I can remember that the people I trusted the most let me down. I felt like they put me in danger.

If you like reading my early memories, keep reading my blog. I think my childhood memories and circumstances are more interesting than my current boring life. Trust me, my brain is going crazy thinking about the next things to write about. From preschool through high school, I have a lot of history I can't wait to share.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Wanna know what suck

My refrigerator broke. Fortunately we live in an apartment still, so we will not be financially responsible for it. I mean nobody wants to have to throw away chocolate ice cream, frozen foods, milk, cheese, and probably $50 worth of food in general. And until they get us a new refrigerator, nobody wants to live on canned food.

Again, fortunately, I have planned on visiting my mom tomorrow and spending the night tomorrow night with her. Women are getting together tomorrow night at her church for a soup dinner and something else. Whatever, it sounds like a lot of fun. Hopefully by Tuesday evening when I shall return, the fridge will be replaced and we can go restock. Unexpected expenses, don't we just all love them. As for Simon, well, ok, maybe I'm a little worried, as he will still be home, sleeping and working on Monday night and Tuesday night. I'm sure he'll be fine. Maybe before I leave tomorrow, I will get him a supply of non refrigerated items. If I don't I'll be worried about him while I'm gone.

So how is everyone doing? Got any good movies to recommend? We have and we have been getting some weird ones in lately. We go to the store to get another movie, and low and behold, 4 our 5 are terrible. We did watch Baby Mama, and thought it was pretty good, and Made of Honor was good too. That was mixed in with a bunch of yucky movies. So, any ideas for a good movie???

Saturday, November 15, 2008

More randoms

I have a few different things to say.

First, thank you Elana for the blog reward. I haven't even attempted to do anything with it, because well, I'm technological, well, stupid. I'm kinda afraid to try anything. This stuff scares me and I have no idea how people do the things they do. I'm a little jealous maybe. I'm upset because I can never get my myspace layout to do what I want it to do. I don't know, it seems things should be so easy. Maybe it's partially my dinosaur computer.

So, I said we are naming our girl Elizabeth Ellen. Would you believe the book of names/meanings we have does not have Ellen in it. It has everything else, but not Ellen. Crazy!!

My doctor said I had a 1 in 70 chance of Down Syndrome, he was wrong. The genetic counselor said I have a 1 in 108 chance, she even showed me where it said it. And there were no red flags on the u/s indicating Down Syndrome. Woosh, what I relief!! CF, isn't as bad as we originally thought either. The mutation I have to the gene is the most common. Simon has a very rare mutation, that unless it also has a different mutation, it's not as bad. Even if we did pass on our CF gene to our offspring it would not affect them like the "typical" CF. If a male, they would still be infertile, and either way they would still have respiratory problems. However, they probably wont have the pancreatisis and the digestive problems like others do. Again, what a relief!! I have decided against the amniocentisis, even though the office's rate of complication is 1 in 1500. I've figured, there's no red flags on the Down Syndrome, and we know about the CF. I am going to request the info for the CF doctor in town, so maybe we can meet with him/her before the birth so we are more prepared if Ellie does have it.

You read it right, if we have a boy with CF, he will suffer infertility. The genetic counselor said the only way he will be able to have a baby is by IVF. She also said there would be a chance that his sperm wouldn't even be vialable enough for that. If we have a boy with CF in the future, I'm not sure if I want to tell him from the beginning, you know during the puberty talk, or wait. If you tell a teenage boy that he can't have kids, then he may just decide to go sleep with every girl he knows. So, maybe wait and tell him about the infertility later when he starts dating more seriously. Oh, well, I don't have to figure that out yet. We are having a girl, and I'm just trying to figure out what age I need to tell her that she could start gushing with blood down there.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Quick Update

I found out we're having a little girl.
I'm now on moderate bed rest.
I have a 1 in 70 chance for the baby having Down Syndrome.
Still have the 1 in 4 chance for the baby having Cystic Fibrosis.
I go to the high risk doctor first thing in the morning.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Blood pressure update

My blood pressure is staying down pretty good, hasn't scared me half to death yet. It did look like it was going up some last night, but I had a horrible headache. I didn't feel well, so out of lack of anything better, I took my temperature. Sure enough it was a little elevated from my normal, even my pregnancy normal, but it wasn't real high. I took a couple tylenol, took a benedryl and slept it off. This morning, when Simon got home he crawled into bed with me. He claimed he was hearing something that sounded like my heart beating. I mean, sure I am pretty much hearing my heartbeat every waking moment now, but surely somebody else can't be hearing it too. I guess we'll never know if he was really hearing my heartbeat or if it was something else. But, I just wanted to say that things seem to be look a lot better right now.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bed rest

Let me back up a bit. I forgot I haven't told my blog world about being on bed rest. It all started, well, I'll say the end of last week. I was hearing in my heart beat in my left ear. It was ok, but was a bit nerve racking. I assumed, maybe ear infection, or something.
Monday, I had my regular doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was 144/90, which is higher than what they like to see. I was already on a blood pressure medication. My doctor actually switched me from my pre pregnancy medicine to a different one at my first appointment. Monday he increased it from 100mg twice a day to 200mg twice a day. Tuesday and Wednesday I went into work like normal, only it wasn't very normal for me. I felt like I was going to pass, I was dizzy, lightheaded, and the heartbeat in my ear was getting much worse.
By Wednesday it was bad enough for me to "bother" the OBGYN office. They wanted me to go into the office at 2pm for a blood pressure check. The notice was way too short for my work, so I had to stay and endure the feeling. At the end of the work day, after all the clients were out of the room, I went to a different room to check my blood pressure. Here were the readings: 162/118, 175/113, and 164/104. We took the first 2 right back to back, once on my left, and once on my right. Then we checked several other's blood pressure to see if maybe it was wrong. Everybody esle's was wonderful. We took mine the 3rd time. I called the doctor's office and told the receptionist, I did not leave a message on the nurse's line. It was somewhat late, and I thought it was somewhat of an emergency. Turned out, I think I did everything right. My nurse called back after what seemed like eternity. She instructed me to take my 200mg blood pressure medicine 3 times a day and to be on complete bed rest. I have my big ultra sound on Nov. 11th, and she wants me to see the doctor then too.
Simon got me a blood pressure machine today since my old one is very inaccurate. I LOVE it. I can use it plugged in or with the batteries. It's PINK!! It's awesome. Tonight my blood pressure has been pretty good. Maybe adding the extra dose of the medicine will get me further in the pregnancy more safely. She also told me if it stays up or goes up again, to go to the hospital.
I will do anything for this baby!! I can't tell you how I felt on my way home after learning of just how high my blood pressure was. I was scared for me and my health, but I was absolutely TERRIFIED for Beanie Bear's health and well being. It was really the scariest thing I've had to deal with so far.
I have a work problem though. While I am off for this less than 2 wks, I am using every bit of my sick and vacation time. So if I get sick in the future, need a mental health day, or go on bed rest later, I'm screwed for 2wks. The way it works since I have short term disability, 2wks without work, then I can put in for my short term disability check. It worked in my favor earlier in the year when I was out of work for a knee injury. It would work in my favor during the pregnancy, if I wasn't going to be out for 2wks, then back at work, then out for some time, then back. My mom seems to think I will be at least on modified bed rest for the remainder. I almost hope she is right. For a couple reasons. One being the above reason, I can go ahead and get my short term disability benefits. The other reason, is the past week I felt so much worse while at work. When I go home I would feel kind of bad, but not like I did at work. When a client yelled or screamed, I would hear the heartbeat louder, and I would get dizzy, then I can't handle the situation I'm trying to deal with. Every day is different at my job and my personality I can't handle the unpredictable. I can't handle not know if a particular client will have a terrible behavior during my day. I wasn't one for it before I got pregnant, but I could handle it, now I just can't handle it. That's not even all I deal with from the clients. There's a lot more. But then I have the staff I work with. You have to constantly walk on egg shells with them. They all seem to be up each other's butts. And I don't know if they intentionally leave me out or if they aren't aware of it. Five women in one room...1 is bound to be "left out." Guess who 1 has always been. Sorry, I don't like being the 3rd or 5th wheel, it just doesn't make a person feel good. So that adds to the stress of my work day. Should I keep on...I could, really I could, but I wont. You get the idea, work is very stressful and probably raises my blood pressure. Financially I need to just be out now so I can at least benefit from my short term disability. But, if my blood pressure continues to be this good, then I'll be back at work in no time.

31 Things

Finally, I'll do this.

1. Where is your cell phone? On my night stand
2. Where is your significant other? Walmart getting me some bed rest goodies
3. Your hair color? dark brown
4. Your mother? Doris
5. Your father? Chris, but I don't know him
6. Your favorite thing? Simon and our baby I'm having
7. Your dream last night? I was coloring a picture of a lion
8. Your dream/goal? To be a SAHM
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Lately, sleeping
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Anywhere, and happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not doing? cleaning, but I can't right now
15. One of your wish list items? Video camera
16. Where you grew up? Laurinburg
17. The last thing you did? Made a list for Simon to go to Walmart
18. What are you wearing? PJ's, blue striped pants and a t-shirt
19. Your TV? News I think
20. Your pet? Gracie, poodle/jack russel mix
21. Your computer? Dell
22. Your mood? Bored
23. Missing someone? Mema
24. Your car? Toyota Tundra
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks, so my feet are freezing
26. Favorite store? Sorry, don't really have one
27. Your summer? Same as any other day
28. Love someone? Oh yeah
29. Your favorite color? Purple then pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today when talking on the phone with my mom
31. Last time you cried? Two days ago, I really don't like crying though

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Wave of Fear

Being in the 2nd trimester, I've been a little less worried about a miscarriage. I know it can still happen and things can till happen, but the chances are lower. First tri boards are full of miscarriages and the 2nd tri boards aren't as much.

Suddenly after reading some blogs and doing some thinking, I've realized that my fear is not over. I'm suddenly afraid of SIDS or some kind of medical problem that takes my child from me early.

Am I allowed to be afraid? How afraid am I allowed to be?

Then I get to thinking past the infant and baby stage. What if my toddler gets hit by a car, abducted, is in a fatal car accident? What if I put my child on the bus and the bus gets in a horrible accident. And there are so many other things that can take our baby/child from us. From conception till the day they actually do die, hopefully when they are very old and after I've gone. I admit, I can be an emotionally strong woman. But there are some things in life I seriously don't think I can ever handle. One of these things is loosing a child. It breaks my heart thinking about the possibility of it.

I need something from the few readers I do have. I need some reassuring words so I don't sit here thinking I'm going to have to be medicated to handle my nerves as my child goes from baby to child, to teenager. If I'm this worried now, before I give birth, how much worse will I be later. I need some calming words. I've always been the queen of "what if's."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Random thoughts

There really isn't too much to update on. Pretty much the bullet thing like Nancy does at times.
- I'm pissed off at Mrs. Lazy at work. She's making my life MISERABLE at work.

- Simon and my cousin are going to a Men's Conference at church Friday evening and Saturday morning. I will be staying with my aunt just relaxing and chilling out.

- After the men's conference Simon will be getting me, dropping off my cousin, and Simon and I will head to visit my most wonderful aunt and uncle. They live about 2hrs away and we always have such awesome times with them. We are both very excited.

- I NEVER cook. Seriously, I do not cook, and Simon doesn't cook either. He'll eat a sandwich, microwavable something, or hot dog. I pretty much do the same. We just never cook. We have decided, to try 1 home cooked meal a week. We just don't like the cooking and cleaning involved. So, starting off with one home cooked meal should be pretty easy. I made some awesome vegetable beef stew and I had Simon make a box of Jiffy cornbread. We sat at the dinning room table and enjoyed a "family dinner."

Pregnancy related:

- I have a doctor's appointment on Monday afternoon.
- I am 15wks as of this past Wed.
- I'm kind of hoping he'll do an ultra sound, but I doubt he will. If nothing else I want to see this little one move in there. And if we can tell the gender, it'll be an added bonus.
- I have wanted a boy, up until this week, and now a girl sounds pretty good.
- We have a boy and a girl name picked out. While we are open to changing things a bit when the baby arrives, we are not open criticism on what we picked out. I have a coworker who is very picky with names. When I first started brainstorming, she was quick to shoot down our possible names. So I am hesitant to reveal our chosen names at work.
- Boy: Josiah Zacharriah Yeah, ok, so that's a little odd, I know. This may really change, but when I wrote it down during church one Sunday and showed it to Simon, he lit up. That's what I've been looking for, the reaction from him, saying that, he really loves a name.
- Girl: Elizabeth Ellen. Awww, that almost brings tears to my eyes, just the way it looks. We will call her Ellie. Ok, so maybe I REALLY want a girl now so I can use this name. Simon's 2 grandma's names are Elizabeth, one middle, the other it's her first name. My beloved mema's middle name was Ellen. My mom's best friend, who is like an adopted grandma to me name is Helen. So, Elizabeth Ellen will be naming the child after all great grandmothers. And I LOVE Ellie for short.
-Still not feeling little Ellie or Joey yet. But I'm just getting to that stage that some people feeling their little one. I'm larger and this is my first. So, I can't really expect to feel anything yet. Punishment for being larger, right.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Difficult Evening yesterday

Before I continue this is about a friend's miscarraige, not details, but about something that happened last night.

This friend and I are more like acquaintances, but she's on my facebook. Through facebook I have learned that she has experienced a miscarriage. Her and her husband aren't in our young married couple Sunday school class, but they are interested in getting involved at some level with it. So we had a Sunday School party last night, and they were invited. My husband went to a different Walmart yesterday afternoon, not the one closest to us. To our surprise they were there, so they talked. Turned out they had been invited to the party, but needed directions, so Simon gave told them. I was afraid, not only because I'm pregnant, but because there are 4 other preggos in the class, who are really active. I knew that the night would be hard on them, but there was very little anybody could do to make it better. Oh yeah, and besides 4 preggos, theres were babies and toddlers and young children all over the place.

I felt like crying for them when one of the non preggos said "raise your hand if you pregnant." I didn't want it to be a night to flaunt pregnancy around this new couple who just experienced a tragedy. Later, the first batch of hamburgers came out, and they said "all preggos get first choice of burgers." They were adiment about the preggos getting theirs first. Shouldn't the guests have gotten theirs first too? That's just the tip of the ice berg. Since we were the really the only ones they knew, we talked to them a lot. Of course, I remained considerate and sensitive by not talking about my pregnancy to them. But I couldn't do anything to avoid all the many people coming to me asking me how my pregnancy was going, how far am I, do we know what we are having, and making their guesses. It wasn't like I could say, lets not talk about this because they just experienced a lost. Or I would rather not talk about it. I felt like my hands were tied.

I remember the days that I avoid this group of people or if I couldn't because of a holiday party, I left hurting. I remember doing everything to avoid the preggos and babies and any place that would have parenting talk and pregnancy/childbirth talk. If I couldn't avoid any of that, which you can't unless you lock yourself up in your house, never answer the phone, and never watch TV. So this morning, I typed up a somewhat long email to send to her. I told her what most don't know about me. How, while I can't understand a miscarriage and the lost they have experienced, I understand how hard last night probably was for them, with all the preggos and babies. She replied, glad that she has somebody she can talk to and that it was hard for them last night. She said that it let them know that it's not over yet and their day will come. They were not trying, as she is actually still in school and don't want to have to take a semester off. Now, they've realized how much they want a baby, so they need patience to wait till the time is better. Nevertheless trying or not, a pregnancy lost is losing a piece of yourself. Please say a prayer for this couple. I know is our world on the internet, pregnancy and TTC boards we hear about so many miscarriages that it actually becomes hard to keep all in our minds. But, if you can, please say a real quick little prayer for this couple. Thanks.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

So I'm absolutely terrible at keeping up with my blog. Honestly, it's because I really don't have much to talk about. Yeah, I live a boring life. I could go into a rant and rage about work, but honestly this is Saturday, and today and tomorrow I want to get my mind as far off work as possible.
I'm a week away from my 2nd tri. I'm feeling great!! I've learned how to eat. I'm eating the more frequent small meals and snacks. As long as I keep a little food, but not much on my belly at all times I don't get sick. If I fail at this, like last night before dinner, I get a little sick feeling. All it took though was little piece of lemon to take care of it, then I could eat no problems.
We enjoyed mexican last night. We used to go for mexican all the time, but then the cheese thing scared me away. We finally went and I loved it. I had a soft taco and mexican rice, with mild sauce and sour cream in it. It was so yummy. In fact, I'm thinking about getting me an order to go today for lunch, and maybe even dinner, we'll see. I just ate the left over rice, for a middle of the night snack. While eating it, I ventured on the computer...bad idea, I really should be back in bed sleeping. When I finish with this I'll crawl back between the covers. I think I have some real cravings now. The mexican rice thing, but it has to have the salsa and sour cream, mexican food in general, baby carrots, spinach veggie dip, and pepsi. Obviously I'm not indulging in too much pepsi, just a can or 2 a day. The baby carrots are really strange though. I chew them up, but can't seem to swallow them. TMI alert, I chew pulvarized carrots and will keep chewing till I spit it out. I try to swallow it but it's gagging. I chew and suck the flavor. So, because it's so nasty, I have indulge in the privacy of my own home, and way from Simon. I don't think he would be too thrilled about seeing ABC carrots.
As you may know we live an apartment. Especially with the baby coming and economy, we have been doing a lot of considering what we should do. The apartment we are in now, imo is not acceptable for the baby. Even some of the other units here would be better, but Simon refuses to move to a different unit. When we moved in his uncle owned them, and it was really run down. Since then, a different own has bought them and fixed them up as people moved out and raised the rent of course. He also bought a 2nd apartment complex. We took the manager the rent last and it was my first time seeing the other apartments. Her and her family are moving to the unit across from them because it's a little more room. I told DH I really want to move in, sure it's a little more rent, but come on, it's better quality and we really can afford it. It's not quite as big with the kitchen and living room, but the set up is open. The rooms are bigger, there's carpet in the bedroom areas, and hardwood and tile in the kitchen and living room. Where we are at now it's dingy old stained up carpet and lanoleum. I told Simon when they move I really want to jump on their unit because I know it's been taken care of. Also, it's lower level and easy access, not only for us with the baby, but my mom and his dad are disabled and it would help them a lot. So please pray and keep your fingers cross that I can talk Simon into this other apartment. We've thought about becoming house people, renting or owning, we've considered and come close, but we aren't house people just yet. Too many things to get into, but we really don't want one yet. I'll keep you update on how it goes with talking him into it. For what we pay for rent, we aren't going to find anything descent, we have to up the amount we are willing to pay, and this isn't bad at all. So many reasons this is better, and easier because we don't have to pay another pet deposit and it's easier because we are sticking with the same owner and everything. It's great.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Noticed something on the ultra sound pictures

I was looking at my latest ultra sound pictures. I guess it would be easier if I had them online, but I'll do it soon, I promise. But, the top picture is really confusing. It looks like 3 legs, or could it be the cord. Way too soon for it to be anything, and this is actually way too big to be something else. It is just a bit strange. Could it still be a little bit of a tale at 10wks, 3 days? Also, I can't help but notice on the 2 that has my whole uterus, there's a circle. Not the little circle surrounding the baby. This is up on the other side of where the baby is. The baby is on one side, and the other side beside it's head, is a little circle. Simon said it's the 2nd baby. If it is, then it's one of those that's been absorbed and just didn't work out. I don't know though. You'll see what I'm talking about when I post the pictures on my babiesonline page, and maybe I'll work on putting them on here. What could an additional circle be though? It's a perfect little circle, a bubble maybe? I looked at other ultra sound pictures, and didn't see a circle on them like this.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

D/A update

At 10wks, I just had a doctor's appointment. This will be short and sweet, I promise. He needed to check my white blood count. Oh yeah, I was in the hospital overnight last week due to dehydrated and through the roof white blood count and high plalette level. I'm feeling much better now, more "normal." Saturday was a terrible day where nothing stayed down at all, however it was followed by some good days, unlike the previous weekend. It was a very short appointment.
I did get to Beanie Bear again on the u/s. I saw the legs and arms, and they were moving. I heard the heart beat for the first time. It was 172BPM. Beanie Bear waved the arms by the face. It was adorable and priceless. I have another appointment in 4wks. I guess then, I'll have another one in 4wks, and it'll be the BIG u/s.

See told you, short and sweet.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


It seems like 7yrs ago was just yesterday. I can't believe that it has been that long since the entire nation was glued to the TV as we watched the 2nd tower fell. I'm getting cold chill bumbs just thinking about it.
Where were you when it happened?
How did you find out?
What were your thoughts and feelings?

It was my first semester in college. I'll never forget, it was a Tuesday morning. I went to my first 8:00am-9:15am class, Freshman Seminar. When it was over, I had until 10:00am before my next class, so I went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast. I sat down with my tray, and watched the 2nd tower fall. I could not finish eating my breakfast. There were only a couple other students in the rather large cafeteria and I felt alone. So, I left the cafeteria, to find a huge group of people gathering around the large T.V. I joined the group of strangers as we watched the news. The time came that I had to go to my American History since 18 (something) class. I went to class, and everybody looked like zombies. The professor talked for a few minutes about what was going, and dismissed class. She said that our children and grandchildren would be learning about the day in their American History classes one day. I went back to my dorm room to find out that all classes had been canceled. For the remainder of the day, it seemed that every dorm room was open, every T.V. was on a news channel, and for once, you would make eye contact with perfect strangers as you walked down the sidewalk. Nobody wanted to be left a lone. Each were hurting and morning in their own way. Some had friends and family who lived and worked in the area. Most in my area new that friends and family and some of them, would be deployed in the months to come. Fear struck over all, as we were fairly close to a large Army base. We all knew to some extent what the future held.

May we never forget those who lost their lives, and those who lost loved ones in the tragedy on 9/11. May God give you peace, as yet another year has passed.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Update...I'm terrible at blogging

The key to blogging is to actually blog. LOL, I'm horrible at this stuff. No wonder I don't have many readers.

Well, I'm got some updates, and some food for thought.

We found out that Simon IS a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis as well. That leaves us with a 25% chance of having a child with cystic fibrosis aka 65 roses. My doctor said we can do the amnio to find out if the child has CF, if we plan on terminating the pregnancy if the child does have CF, then he said we need to do it ASAP. OMG, this upset me, that he would even be saying that. Of course I'm not going to terminate it. So at this point, we have concluded that we will NOT do the amnio to find out if Beanie Bear has CF. It's too much of a risky procedure, for what...just to know sooner. Some may say that's a good thing and needs to be known sooner so we can prepare ourselves. I agree to an extent. Thing is, Simon and I haven't always dreamed of having 1 kid, but we were hoping on 3ish maybe...if we can, if God allows. So, I'm figuring, I need to learn about CF, if not for Beanie Bear, but for one of the possible little brothers and/or sisters. Also, when looking for a pediatrician I will discuss the CF possibiity and make sure I find one that is good with that sort of thing. We plan on preparing ourself for the worse, but of course hoping for the best.
One may wonder how I'm doing with the possibility, especially since I'm a total worry wart. Well, in the first 24hrs I went through many thoughts and feelings. From anger and guilt, that if the child has CF, then it's my fault for giving the child the CF gene. To wondering if keeping the child and not termination, is selfish of me, saying I want my child so bad, that I will bring a "sick" kid into the world to suffer. Of course, I got off that feeling rather quickly. Now I'm at acceptance, if it does happen, I know that we will be wonderful parents to sick child. I have worked with a variety of disabilities, I can advocate, I can stay up at the hospital when need be, I can administer medications, and above all, I can love. I believe that Simon would follow suit. So, even if this baby has CF, we'll be fine.

Other than that this pregnancy is going great. I am very sick at times, not always first thing in the morning. I am throwing up from time to time. Today at work, I threw up and my face felt like pins and needles were sticking in it. My coworkers quickly noticed I looked like...well, you know, and made me sit in a recliner. They were very concerned for me. After several minutes of resting, I felt better, and could get back to my job full force, and I felt somewhat better with my stomach. I felt way better after eating lunch though. They told me that I will probably end up on bed rest. I know that it's always a possibility, but in my opinion, I can't jump at everything and freak out. Use caution and be wise, but relax as much as possible. I mean if that kind of thing reoccures then I'll talk to the doctor about it. Also I spotted again this morning. It was after having my first BM in like 2 days. I figured I would keep a close eye on things, if I continued to spot and spotted without having a BM, I would call the doctor. No more spotting as of now though. My nature is to be STUBBORN. I'm trying to tell myself, I can be stubborn all I want, but this baby can't handle me being stubborn, it's not fair to Beanie Bear, it's not me I'm being stubborn with, but the baby. So, I would like to say I'm being a trooper and just simply NOT freaking out at every little problem. Not that I'm being stubborn. I feel like I'll know if there's something wrong and I need to call the doctor. Right now, I think I can hold on to my normal life a while longer.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


This morning at work, I went to the bathroom, just see bright red spotting and at 6wks pregnant, you should not see that. So, I calmly, called the doctor's office, who told me to go in to the office. I picked Simon up and we went. I was so nervous, I can't lie.
He said that it may be from my uterus stretching, and it would be nothing to worry about. He did increase my prometrium from 100mg daily to 300mg daily. But, all in all he thinks everything will be ok. Thank God. Oh, and he wants me to remain off work until I have 2 straight days without bleeding.
I did get to see my little Beanie Bear. He's sure there is only one in there, however, he did say one could be hiding, but highly unlikely, since he looked around. Simon and I saw Beanie Bear's little heart beat. It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. I have never seen a more beautiful ultra sound picture. Give it, it's just a speck with a circle on top, but either way, we all know that's my little living speck with a circle.
Next appointment is next Tuesday and the next ultra sound in 4wks. I'll be 10wks, so we should be able to hear the heartbeat.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Food progession I've experienced

I am only 5wks, 5days, so I really don't know what I haven't experienced yet. So far, I went from clueless as to what was ok and good to eat. I was scared to eat, for whatever I put in my body, affected this little baby too. Then I snapped out of it, and ate. Then I ate, ate, ate, and ate some more. OMG, food was my best friend. My appetite increased. That was a short phase. Now, I'm feeling too sick to eat, but once I do, I actually feel better. But, it's going from the too sick to eat, to the eating part that's hard. Who wants to eat when they feel sick and gag at the sight of food and the smells. So far that's where I'm at.

I'm so glad, I'm having some sickness, I'm hoping it doesn't get a lot worse, but at least I KNOW I'm pregnant.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Morning sickness starting

Sure I've been sick here and there. The first thing in the morning grapefruit that made me sick, the latter in the night (TMI) BM stink, that made me sick, and the lovely not eating for 4-5 hours made me yucky. But those all acted like freak accidents, no real sick feeling or anything.

As of today, I have experienced some morning sickness. Had to be a man that coined that term, morning sickness. So 2 days in a row I wake up at exactly 4:46am, to pee. This morning I felt a little queasy, but drank some milk and drifted back off to sleep for a few hours. Then I woke up, got ready for church, felt great. That is until we were on our to church.

I said, "Honey, maybe we should just go tonight, I don't feel so well."
He responded, "Nah, we need to go ahead and go, do I look okay, do I have any blood marks."
I said, with my mouth closed, "huh, uh (no)," "honey, I feel real bad, stop at the convenient store and get me a bottle of water, here's the money."
When we get there, I tell him, "I'll be in the grass taking care of some business."
He comes out, "Baby, maybe we should go home, or maybe you can take me church and I'll get a ride home."
Me: "Nah, lets go to church, I can't lay out the rest of the 1st tri, I'm too early on for that."

So we go on to church, still feeling a bit queasy, but I'm fine, I'll be okay. This is what I've wanted. I wanted so bad to be pregnant. Once it happened, I wanted some small form of morning sickness, so I would know I'm pregnant and feel pregnant. Well, I got what I wished for, and I know I'm pregnant.

A slight change of topics, a couple friend came to congratulate us on the big news. My mentor told her that I was pregnant. I was glad that my mentor told her. I'm not sure how long she has been trying, but she told me she was trying, and it was starting to get hard on her. I said, I knew what it was like to be trying and it seemed like everybody around you is getting pregnant. She opened up a little about it. Because of who told her, I know she knows that we had a little problems, and that it took some time. But I made it a point, not to ask 20 questions about how long they had been trying and drill her on if she's seen a doctor and stuff. If/when she wants to talk me, I'm here. And, I'm glad to know, so I don't flaunt my pregnancy around her. Simon asked me some questions about how long she had been TTC. I told him it didn't matter if she has been trying for 6months, that's 6 months without what you want most. The point is, she's starting to have a hard time dealing things. Last year around Christmas, they hadn't started trying yet. But still TTC and seeing that BFN month after month can hurt, even in the beginning.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Something to think about

Simon and I were TTC for over a year. We were both under a lot of stress when it finally happened, and to be honest, I was sure it wasn't going to be our month. We were overly stressed about numerous things, which led to poor timing, well, not great. I was under so much stress, it led me to get my first yeast infection, the day before I O'd, on my b-day, our big BDing day. So, this stress continued, we were having a hard time, until this weekend. Simon was busy working 2 jobs, not because we needed it really, but more because we were wanting to rent a house, with higher power bill, and higher rent. I felt abonden in the evenings when I got off work and he would either be sleeping or off at one of his jobs. Mixed with the stress of the situation and the way I was feeling and these pregnancy hormones, I was getting so mad and losing it with Simon when we were together.

Then a webmd friend, lost her husband to an unexpected death shortly after they found out she was pregnant, and they tried for 12months. After I found out about that, I began putting my life into perspective.

Simon has made me very proud to be called his wife. He quit his 2nd part time job. He ultimately decided that we will not move into that house. He is going to start getting some help for his depression, and look for 1 job making more money, that will be hours that he can support his family more ways than just financially. Starting yesterday, I began spending time with my best friend again. I saw that spark in his eyes I used to see, and I felt that giddy feeling that I haven't felt in long time.

He may not be the riches, most talented, and that high class man a lot of women want. He may not have a college degree or know how to change the oil in a car. He may not have tool box in the garage. But, he's my husband, and he has the key to my heart. He is senstive and willing to do what it takes to support his family, he just needs extra encouragment and maybe some help for depression. But, my husband is great, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Cystic Fibrosis

This will be short and sweet. If you don't already know, I found out I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis. Simon is being tested to see if he is a carrier. If he is not, then no worries, if he is, then we have concern that Beanie Bear will have cystic fibrosis.
So, the whole family mine and Simon's know we are pregnant. Simon's aunt told me, 2, she said to have 2. Okay, that was funny, especially since we wouldn't mind twins and we kind of have a feeling. They said my beta numbers doubled nicely, but they didn't give me the number the from the 2nd time. I figured we'll be ok, and we'll find out in a couple weeks. We'll find out soon enough if we are having twins.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


By this point we all know what kind of blogger I am. I will wait several days until I have a book to write.
So, it is 3:48am, and I woke up about an hour ago, couldn't sleep. How can you be so tired and pregnant, yet not be able to sleep at night? One mystery in life. So, lets see, I had my first dr.'s appointment on Wed. My 1st beta came back, 14dpo, 4wks,1day, as 515, my progesterone came back as 12. At first the nurse said that was ok. I looked it up online, called her again to tell her that I was nervous about it and for my peace of mind, she called in prometrium, pills. That does make me feel a lot better. But, why wouldn't she go ahead and put me on it, then turn around and change her mind. I think it was Friday and she just didn't feel like going through the extra trouble. Anyway, point is, I have the prometrium now, so I'm happy. Also, Simon and I are really hoping for twins. We know that the slightly higher beta, doesn't mean twins in and of itself. We'll know more at our first u/s on Sept. 2nd.
Monday we told my father in law. We took him to Olive Garden and I ate like 6 plates of the salad. Infact that sounds really good right now. We noticed at the drugstore that Grandparents Day will be on Sept. 7th. So there were wonderful cards for Grandparents. We picked a grandfather card. On the inside I wrote something and signed it, your next grandchild. My father in law, got the message as soon as he read everything. He was very thrilled for us.
Wednesday we told my mom. I needed my aunt's help with this since my mom lives 45 minutes away and my aunt lives in the same town. So, I bought a yelow onesie saying "What happens at grandma's stays at grandma's" and a yellow bib saying, "I love grandma." I also found the poem that I remember I loved that was posted on a TTC website, way back when I started trying. I typed it up on cute baby bear background. I framed it and put it in the gift box. Over the frame, I put kleenex because I knew she would cry. I wrapped the box, then gave it to my aunt. My job was pretty much complete. We went to the church, where my aunt and mom had choir practice. To our surprise practice had been canceled, because the director was sick. My aunt called my mom and told her to still come, it was really important. So, my aunt, cousin, and me, go to the choir room. I hide in this closet/robe room. My mom and grandma's comes in. My mom sits in the perfect chair, so I can see and peak through the crack where the door hinges are. My aunt told her it was an early birthday present, her b-day is on Sept 2nd. My mom figured it was either something to make her cry or a joke because my aunt stood up and started taking pictures. Once she opened the gift and started reading the poem, I quietly came out of the closet and stood there. She saw the onesie as she tried to read the poem, but found it hard because there were a few people there. She started crying and looked up, there I was, she stood up and hugged me. It was a wonderful thing, just as I hoped for. I knew that this would be the 1st baby announcement for my mom, I'm her only child. I needed to make it very special, and special it was. It worked out perfect and we were all pleased. She said, we got her, surprised her, something that isn't easy to do.
Now tomorrow, Sunday we plan on doing a very similar thing with my mother in law. Same poem, same gift, only it's her late birthday present from us. We haven't seen her since her birthday, so it's wonderful. She has grandchildren, 2 from her daughter and 6 from her step children. I hope it goes as well as it did with my mom.
Symptoms, not too bad yet. I learned Tuesday morning, do not eat grapefruit on an empty stomach, it didn't stay down well. Thursday I was very sick feeling in the morning. By lunch I was sick feeling again, but this time more like shakey and weak. Friday morning, I felt fine, until I got in the car on the way to work, and started feeling a little sick. My boobs are sore, but nothing unbearable. They are changing in appearance, that's for sure. I'm not sure if they are growing, but there's other stuff that happens to them that makes them change. I'm totally constipated despite the prenatal with stool softener. And let me tell you, I've never thought I would ever have a constipation problem. I am bloated some now. I know it's not the beanie bear baby that's making my clothes a little tight, it's obviously gas. I don't have any headaches, though once a day, for 3 days I get a little dizzy.
The dr.'s appointment went well. I am at risk for pre-ecclampsia and gestational diabetes. The dr. and me are being optimistic that it's not a definate thing. I asked him if he would induce if we went passed my EDD on 4/21/2009. He said, because of my risk, if we make it to week 39, he wants to induce then, not take any chances when the beanie bear will be fine. That makes sense. But, that give me an aries baby. I'm not all into the zodiac signs, but read a description, thinking about somebody you know that is that sign, see if you don't some similarities in most. So, an aries baby sounds like it's going to be a handful and a half. However, in a way I'm glad. If I have a "typical" aries child, it seems to me that the child will not be picked on, as I always was in school. People walked all over me growing up, and still do from time to time. My aries baby will probably stand up for him or herself. Going by the description, my aries baby will probably be rather successful in life, as far as achieving their goals. So, in the long run I think it'll be a good thing. May be harder to raise, but it'll all be good.
I'll update in another week with a book.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


P. Yesterday was 11dpo and my BBT was 98.19. I told myself if my temp was 98.19 or higher I would buy some HPT's. Well, it did drop, down to 98.19, exactly. I bought me a 2 pack of FRER. I had all intentions of testing this morning, at 12dpo with FMU. But, something hit and I just had to test yesterday evening. I tested and did my usual stare routine. The control lines popped up, and then the test line popped up, very quickly, and it was blazing. There's no mistaking it. No squinting, no holding it under light, nothing, it's there, no question. I started shaking with excitement and called Simon. He was at work. I told him, honey, baby, I'm pregnant. He says are you sure? I say of course, well I think, I don't believe it, but it's hear in front of me. So, I waited till this morning to take one with him. He is so cute. Simon was all into watching the preg. test and said he had never seen how it works. He wanted me describe the science of it. He wanted me to describe the science and timeline of the pregnancy and how I got pregnant. We are so excited, we will be parents. That sounds so strange.
And we are getting that house. We'll be moving the end of the month. Yeah, 1st tri, hot August heat, and moving. That's a real good combo. But it'll be well worth it to get out of this crummy apartment and into this house. (rent to own, if we want it to be). The guest room will not be the guest room for long, so we not decorate it with soft and welcoming colors like I had planned. I'll leave it white a bear for the time being, so we can start from scratch when it becomes the nursery. And we have a lot of storage in this house. It'll be a much better area to get our family started. Everything is changing so fast, but we are excited.

Monday, August 4, 2008


We faxed the application for our house we are wanting to rent. I am getting very excited. DH called the electric company to find out what the average bill for the house was the last 12 consecutive month somebody was in it. It is very reasonable, not the greatest, but by no means, not impossible. Now we just sit by the phone and wait that call telling us if we are approved for it or not. Gosh, I'm hoping we are approved. I am getting VERY excited about this. If we aren't approved, a co-worker of mine informed me of a company you pay $75 and for 6 months they find you rental homes. They find out what you want, in any amount of detail you have, and they find it for you. Most of what they find are not listed in the paper and are not advertised with "for rent" signs.

I know, we should be looking into buying a house, but it's not the right time for us just yet. We are wanting to wait till either DH and/or I are settled in a career. Right now we are only working jobs, jobs that bring the money in. Also, I have a bankrupcy on my record. That's right, I have had to file bankrupcy, it actually went through the day before we got married. Before you think I went out and ran up my credit in an attempt to live above my means, let me explain. It all started when I moved from one state to another. I was young, and didn't know/understand COBRA. Infact to this day I'm denying that I ever received the option. You see I was getting out of a really bad relationship and the only way to get out was to escape and run away. Once I made up my mind it was not safe to stick around or turn around. I had to quit my job spur of the moment on my way out of town. That was a crazy time in my life. Well, a few months later, I began pretty sick. I went to the doctor, but since I didn't have insurance she didn't run any test, and medicated me for a virus/strep. A few days later I felt even worse but did not feel like sitting in the doctor's office for hours as a walk in. So, I went to the local ER. I had a fever and was obviously not well. They did b/w and didn't tell me anything. The doctor kept looking at my chart, shaking his head (no), looking up at me, telling me there's something, then looking down again, and looking up at me and telling me there's nothing wrong. WTH!?! So they release me, but before I sign the paper to be release, I tell them my temp has gone up, I could feel it, sure enough it had gone up. They gave me a shot of tylenol and sent me along my merry little way. The next day, I was feeling a little better. I threw a piece of wood off of my mother's deck, and slipped on frost. I fell pretty hard on a rocky hard ground. The next day, I was feeling a little beat up, but overall ok. In fact, I was amazed at how well I felt, for the day after. Then on Monday, the 3rd day, I was working. I had this autistic guy with me, I took him so he could get milk from a convienent store. I felt a pop in my left upper abdomin, I felt it in my shoulder, chest all over that side, it took my breath away, I got clamy and felt like I was having a heart attack. But I kept doing my job with this autistic guy. That evening the pain was so terrible, I drove myself to the ER, just be told I had a bruised chest wall. I was given pain pills to be taken with food. I woke up the next morning to vomitting on my way to work. I didn't look so well, but this young adult's mom was a BITCH and needed me to stay with her autistic son. So, I did everything I could to stay awake, I wasn't sleepy though. I kept drifting off. I found it easier to take him to fast food for lunch, because I couldn't supervise him preparing himself something for lunch. That evening his parents arrived, and I couldn't so much as get up, much less eat. I looked terrible. The talked me into eating so I could take my medicine, before I even got my pill in me, I was throwing up, badly. The next morning I woke up dry heaving. By this point I was afraid of going back to the ER. But, I was encouraged to do so, and really saw no other option. After waiting in the waiting room for 5hrs I was called back. After 2 bags of IV fluid I was still dehydrated and after several shots of phenegran I was still sick on my stomach. They tried to send me home many times, but I refused, I told them, something was wrong. Eventually they ordered a CT scan. When they saw I couldn't even hold down water for the CT scan, they knew I was really sick. Found out my spleen was ruptured. I was airlifted to a trauma hospital. The very next morning, despite my request to wait till my mother arrived, they began surgery to take that ruptured organ out. My blood levels had dropped so low, I was on the brink of death. This started a 2wk stay, not at the Holiday Inn, but in the hospital. I had complication after complication. Once the bills started coming in, it was more than $100,000. There was no way I could even begin to tackle those bills, plus the bills I had already accumulate (car, rent, phone, credit card--the normal stuff), and live (eat), all at the same time. So months and years past, and eventually I found my only option was to file for bankrupcy. It really was the only option. In the light of it all, I'm glad I did it, though it really sucks with my credit for a while.

So buying a house right now, is just out of the question. It's not going to happen, so renting is our option. I'm okay with that for now. I have to be, right. But, I do want to get out of the apartments and go to the house.

As far as TTC, I am 6dpo. My temps have been nice and high, until today, it dropped quite a bit. But, it's the overall picture, not just one individual temp that counts. I'm not planning on POAS. Well, I haven't put a date or day on when I will test. So far I'm pretty relaxed and level headed, though I can feel the anticipation building. I will try my best to hold back until I am really late. But, is late 12dpo, when AF should start for me, or is late 13dpo, the day after AF should start? Or, am I supposed to wait till after the "normal" 14dpo to test? Who knows, I'll test when I test, if I even test.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Long time no post

Sorry to all those who get curious and read my blog. I'm just so terrible at blogging. So, it's pretty much been a month since my last post. Great, that means a month worth of updating.
I went to my follow up for my endo and lap. Yes, I have endo, he lasered most off. He could not safely get the endo that was on my urethra off. He got a bunch of cysts off of an ovary. I saw pictures and it was like 5 or more times larger than the size it was supposed to be. The doctor seems to think we shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant now. Since the endo is gone, and I'm taking metformin. He does want me to go back to see him in the middle of August if I'm not pregnant and he will give me a script for clomid. I am 5dpo, so we'll see if I will be going in for clomid or for betas. I think I will go ahead and schedule my appointment, either way I will need to see him, and if I do find out I'm pregnant, I will love having that early appointment.
About month an half ago, DH's car was hit, while it was parked in the parking lot of our apartment. It pissed me off. Nobody said anything, even after DH asked, nobody would knew anything. How can you hit a freakin parked car, and it was pretty bad and not know. Since we got the truck, my car has been parked across the street at a very small factory, we are at the end (hard to explain), but it's not where the workers park. It's only an area where we have been instructed to park by the owner of the apartment. Well, last week, my car was hit. We live in a 2 bedroom, with only 1 assigned parking. We have now comendered other apartment's parking spaces. It's less walk for them to park across the street, we have been here longer than anybody else, and 2 cars in 2 months have been involved in an hit and run situation. It pisses me off, and we will not back down. We will not continue to stay in this apartment, paying rent and car repairs from stupid, blind, or drunk drivers who can't drive. So we are looking to move very soon. We have a list of about 18 apartments to call and ask a list of questions. The apartment we are looking at are a lot better than the cheap one we are in. This one we are in, the toilet wont flush half the time, the oven doesn't work, there's obvious mold, and there's no parking. Well, let me correct that, there is plenty of parking at any time, just there are assigned parking. So there can be 15 empty spaces, but they are "off limits." The apartments we are looking at, have pools and clubhouses. It'll be great. The other option is this house for rent that we found. We really liked the house. It's not perfect, but we aren't buying, so it doesn't have to be perfect. But, as most know there are things we have to look at with the house. We have to see what the average electric bill is and check for mold and stuff before we actually go with the house. We are excited about this move.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

First of all, I have to say that I am happy that my cousin's wife had her baby. Now they make a family of 3. Hopefully soon DH and I will be a family of 3.
I had my lap. surgery on Friday. Sure enough I had endometriosis. I'm not sure the details. The dr. talked to DH, and I just don't details. I'll find out on Monday for my post-op. I know I woke up with 3 holes, not just 2. I think they said he took some cyst off an ovary. Since the hole is on the left side, I assume it was from the left ovary. I know I haven't been Oing from the left ovary at least this year. So, maybe now I'll be able to O a little better.
I get very sick from the gas anesethia, so I triple checked with the place I was getting my surgery at. I was assured each time, they don't use that method much anymore, but they could still give me something in my IV to help, just in case I got sick from the other stuff. The anesethiologist starts explaining what he was going to do. Low and behold, he was going to use gas. I finally talked him out of it, I wasn't going to let him put me under using the gas. No way!! I told him of my experience with it, and I was not willing to go through it again, especially when there is a clear alternative. Eventually he saw it my way. He gave me valium in my IV, and I started laughing. He said it would burn, but even if it did, I didn't seem to care. I don't remember leaving my husband and going back to the operating room. But, I do remember upon arriving in the operating room, I asked if they were going to use everything I saw on me. They assured me they were not going to use it all. I asked, what I think was the doctor, what they were going to talk about during the surgery. (I'll probably ask at my post-op, to make sure). But, I'm pretty sure I asked, and made them answer me, the answer was Politics and Baseball. I was content knowing that wasn't going to miss much. I remember they had me help them get me on the operating table. I remember very well, they had me put my arms closer to my body, and they kept telling me to do that. That was it.
The next thing I knew I was fighting, sitting up in bed, laying down, and going back and forth, and shaking, and yelling, "I'm going home." I noticed there were 3, maybe 4 nurses gathered around me, as well as DH, they were all trying to calm me down. Once I realized what was going on, I laid back, but continued to shake. The nurse told DH, that I was fighting because I fought going to sleep, and to me, the 1.5hours, was more like a second, so I just kept fighting from before I was put to sleep. DH told me, that I pointed to him and said, "that's my husband, he loves me." I remember repeating myself to the nurses and having them come closer because I couldn't see them, they were all blury. I told the nurse, that I wanted DH to give me my apple juice. Turned out my nurse in recovery was 32wks pregnant. I know I was drugged, but I couldn't see, and kept having her come closer so I could see her belly, but it just wasn't there.
So that makes 3 surgeries that I've ever had, 4 if you count one I was simply in twilight sleep. Thus far I haven't reacted the same any 2 times to the anesethia. I think I did best after my spleen ruptured and I was too sick to care what was going on. But, post-op was terrible. I hate surgeries because they give you medications that make you lose control. That very person you keep bottled up inside, just might exscape during the pre-op or recovery phase. For somebody who likes to stay in control of her words and actions, it just isn't fun. I'm naturally a pretty shy person, so when I opposite, it's like I wasn't even myself.
Now I am 4 days past my lap. I am still in pain, but not as bad as yesterday. The problem I'm having right now, is it seems as though I have a bladder infections. So, not fun. I'm still cramping and experiencing pain, especially when I sit. But, I am so tired, I can't help but to sit. Tired, not sleepy. Hopefully this recovery will be over soon, and this TAB cycle will be over soon, so I can start TTC next cycle again.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I'm back

You missed me, didn't you? Sorry, I am far from an obsessive blogger. So, sorry to all my fans.
Well, my surgery to find out if I have endo or adhesion's will be this Friday, June 27th at 8:30am. I'm off and on nervous. You see being afraid/nervous, is nothing but a lack of faith in God. Every time I get nervous about being put to sleep, I have to stop myself and remember that God will be with me. You see, I have had 2 surgeries in the past, and both times I have been extremely sick after. The first time was from the gas and the second time was probably because I was so sick going into it. I had a ruptured spleen with internal bleeding in my pelvic area. It was not an easy surgery. This will be quick and easy, so it has to go okay. God will be with me. The other off/on fear is they will get in there and not find anything. I will feel like the surgery was a total waste. However, I understand that if they don't find anything, then I can assume that God healed me before going in, which I know he can do.
Church was AWESOME tonight. The youth are on fire from going to The Ramp. They experienced something spiritually that is totally out of this world. I'm looking forward to when that anointing falls on the rest of us in the church...I know it will.
My pastor opened the altars tonight for anything, but he felt like some people needed to go up for healing. So, he was open to pray with people for healing. At first I didn't want to go and get prayed for by a youth. This endo surgery, TTC, and PCOS is kind of a "grown-up" thing. When he was open, I was still hesitant, he's a was strange. But, I finally, despite being nervous, went up so he could pray for me. He told me to get ready, to get a room ready then prayed a short prayer. Now here is the amazing part...I kind of am getting a room ready. My mom was getting rid of a couple chest of drawers and I wanted them. She asked me if I wanted them for my twins I will have. I looked at her strange, because that's exactly why I wanted them. I want twins, but who knows if I will have them. I just wanted both, just in case. I made my plans to paint them white. Well, I was able to put one in my car, the other is waiting for me at my mom's. This weekend, I have put the primer on the first one. I will paint it white, then add handles, since it doesn't have any. I have also been thinking of what nursery theme I want. I know if I have twins, I want Noah's Ark, you know, 2 by 2. I thought it would be cool. If it's one, I still really don't know what I will decide on. But, the twin thing will be awesome. I saw online a Noah's Ark picture frame I would get that has something about 2. At this point, I can't wait till "it" happens so I will know what to buy for the room. I am just so excited. And oh, if you are TTC, I can't even explain the feeling you have while you are making something for your baby that doesn't yet exist. There is something about it, that brings you a level of joy.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I'm bad at this blogging thing

It's official, I'm a terrible blogger. Haha. Well, instead of trying to pick up where I left off, I figured maybe I should talk about my weekend, and what is going on right now in life. That sounds easier.
Last weekend, I warned my husband that I was getting my hair cut. My hair used come down to the middle of my back. I was long, very full, and frizzy. The only things I could do with it were dry it for 40ish minutes and straighten it or keep it went and put it up in a ponytail or a bun. Yuck!! Neither were fun and neither made me feel wonderful about myself. So I dropped the bomb on my husband. I told him, I was warning him, not asking permission. Yeah, he's the kind of husband that insist on me having long hair. So, he was disappointed and really thought I wouldn't actually follow through with it. Hehehe, I did it though!! It's shoulder length, not above my shoulders, more like right at my shoulders, cut in long layers, and frames my face. It's cute, but it's curly. I've always had straight hair, then it turned a little wavy in my late teens, now, I get it cut, and it turned closer to curly. But, I like it. There are so many things I can do with it now. I can let it dry naturally, but add some mouse to curl it up, or I can use the defuser to help it with more defined curls (of course with styling products), I can dry it then straighten it, or I can let it dry naturally, put some anti frizz stuff, and let it be. Oh, and I can still put it up in a ponytail. So there are quite a few options I have, a lot better than before.
We are still trying to get pregnant. This is C13. I have switched doctors, still seeing an OBGYN, but he may actually do an IUI later if it looks like I need it. I'm praying we wont need that. When I saw him, he mentioned two options for this cycle, I can either take a break and have a laprascopic surgery to see if I have endometriosis, or I could continue clomid. After 3 failed cycles of clomid, I wasn't confident in it. I was actually feeling like clomid was hindering more. So, I am chosing to have the surgery. I see him tomorrow to discuss it and to schedule it. Hopefully he can get me in before I ovulate, because I would love to still have a chance at it this month, without the clomid.
On a more spiritual note, once I switched doctor's and he mentioned surgery and endometriosis, and I already know I have PCOS, I figured it was time to tell some people at my church. You'll have to understand my church, it is large, about 1500 people. Most of the people I am in contact with are spirit filled prayer warriers. My Sunday School/Life group class is 10-20 married couples. So, I wrote my situation down on the prayer request sheet. All the women gathered around me/laid hands on me and prayed for me. It was kind of hard, mostly because I am a to myself kind of person. Then one of my friends went down to the bookstore and got a book, "Supernatural Childbirth." If you are exspecting or trying to get pregnant, I reccomend this book. It's awesome, but it is a Christian book with biblical teachings and verses from the Bible. So if Christianity, is nowhere near you thing, then the book may not be for you. I skimmed through it and loved it. I had the money with me and I was going to buy it today, but my friend beat me to it. I told my husband we need to get her a thank you card. It one of those gifts I wouldn't feel right about trying to pay her back for it, for that would rob her of her blessing.
Well, I'm in the choir too at my church, 150ish people in it. We are preparing for a Patriotic Program to be done at the end of this month. It is going to be awesome. I'm looking forward to it. But we have practice the next two weeks Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. It's a lot of practices and some long hours. He did say if we get everything done on Tuesday we may not have to come on Thursday. And he does follow through with what he says. I haven't told the choir yet about our little challenges with trying to get pregnant, give it there are a few people who sit around me in the alto section who know. We'll reveal it to the choir at a later time. We also go to an intercessor prayer group most Sunday mornings before sunday school/life group. Some of them know but we make a more official announcement after we know when this surgery will be. I don't want to jump the gun and make an announcement to everybody all at once.
I gotta run, I gotta get ready for church tonight.